Let's Talk About This Whole Human Thing

I think I speak for all primates when I say that it’s about time we reconsider this whole human thing. I mean, it was great for a few million years, but when H. Ergaster went down, and these new Sapiens fellows came in, the whole affair just went downhill.

Let’s review the evidence. Sapiens have devastated the environment. How many more jungles must be turned into shopping malls before we all wake up to the fact we’ve been keeping out of our minds? This whole Sapiens experiment was doomed to fail from the start.

Sapiens can’t even keep from killing each other. Seriously. Sapiens constantly start wars. Most Sapiens technology has a use in war. From penicillin allowing soldiers to live and fight despite wounds, to morse code being used to relay coordinates for artillery. And now, they’ve realized they can strap nuclear weapons to missiles and shoot them at each other. Just what we needed!

Sapiens have taken it upon themselves to subjugate many other species of animals. Can our friends in the Bovine community really sleep at night knowing the great many abuses their moo-ing friends suffer on a daily basis?

Finally, and most damningly, the humans are not on a trajectory for success. Look at them! Some of them are starving, some of them are morbidly obese, and a good chunk of Sapiens who are neither morbidly obese nor starving or serving in armies and running around and shooting guns at each other!

So to my fellow primates, I say this to you: this problem is not getting any better. We need a solution to The Sapiens Problem, and we need it now. To my Sapiens readers, I implore you, get a grip on your society. Or we might have to get a grip on it for you.

For more articles by Chimpanzee Joe, click here. To establish direct correspondence, email chimp.joe@surrealtimes.net.