When humans leave the realm of “I’ve been doing it for a few weeks” and enter the region of “I’m okay at it” in the kingdom of their-job-that-they-hate; they call it a “career”. Most people don’t know what a “career” is until it’s too late.

Some foolish souls believe they can learn particular things that will help them get into the “career” that they think they will enjoy— unfortunately for them all careers are determined pre-birth by a large sentient blue forehead named Percy Wilkins. These people’s efforts are futile.

Nonetheless, every morning, hundreds upon dozens, upon a couple of young humans (called “teenagers”) arrive to their local, mandatory, education-Haus (“school”, for short). This century’s article will focus on two such young people: Lady Daisy Hargreves of West East Anglia and Mr Dylan Oberion Wilkinson III.

Lady Hargreves, from a very young age, had a crippling interest in concrete. What it means to be concrete; what motivates concrete; and, in particular, the colour and consistency of concrete. She decided she would become what was voted the most “sophisticatedly complex job basically ever”: a concrete colour tester. This job is deceptively simplistic; it is in fact the final and, arguably, most important stage of concrete creation. If the concrete is even half a “dullard” out of the correct shade, the batch is corrupted and must be expensively disposed of in the nearest fresh water source.

In order to get to this position Lady Hargreves needs at least five A grade results in her three A-Levels; a degree in concretology and a masters in the complex study of the philosophy of the colour grey- this masters requires two entirely separate degrees in the philosophy of black and white to be anywhere near comprehended. To fully understand, remember this vast body of knowledge takes at least 50 years and is incredibly stressful. It’s not unusual for someone to reach the position only to die five years later of old age and dust inhalation.

We wish her the best of luck in her studies.

Mr Dylan’s job lies at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. It was voted the “simplest, dullest and probably least interesting job basically ever”. He wants to be a netterrier, but not just any old netterrier, he wishes to weave the net that forms the Internet. This net is made of basically anything that can be found nearby. In late August a study found the Internet was composed of: 60% dog hair, 21% string, 17% wood lice shavings and 3% digital numbers put into a computer by someone cleverer than me.

To do this job Mr Dylan could fail all of his A-levels and have his brain wiped by, for example, the dangerous, popular recreational drug known as “teleshopping” and still be capable of this job. He intends on spending the next few years of his life studying hard, focusing on his priorities, and slowly coming to the realisation that he won’t be able to succeed in this industry. He will most likely end up in a more sensible job, such as that of a bank clerk or secretary.

We wish him the best of luck in his future career that he doesn’t want.

If you are struggling to find the right career choice for you feel free to contact Percy Wilkins, the appropriate numbers, addresses, addressed numbers and Snapchat usernames can be found on his website.

[1] At the 3rd bi-annual meeting of: the International Team Conversing Here, Yearly, About Really Sophisticated Enterprises.
[2] A unit of measurement for the colour grey; there are many possible units, but this is the most commonly used.
[3] Pronounced “net-ery-ay” it is the professional name of a net weaver.