Physicists have long pondered the question: How does a balloon function as it does? Just four days ago, I spoke to Harald D. Knobb regarding this matter. Harald holds a PhD in Physical and Environmental Relationships Between Things, and he was glad to share with me the insights he has accumulated over the years.

“Most importantly,” he told me, “the phenomena of the balloon rocket arises from the fact that a balloon is composed of an elastic medium which compresses its contained air to a pressure higher than the atmospheric norm. This differential causes a fast-paced diffusion of fluid from high to low pressure, and thereby, a materialization of Isaac Neuton’s third law. Ultimately, everything is a materialization of the conservation of energy in collusion with Newton’s third law.”

I proceeded to ask Dr. Knobb why, when a balloon rocket is launched, it produces a whistling sound, and why, when different balloon rockets are launched, they produce differing sounds? And I asked him why sometimes certain balloons produce different frequencies of sounds depending on the context. And I asked him whether consistently-sounding balloons are born with or somehow predetermined to have their respective frequency ranges, or whether the sound a rocket balloon makes is more dependent on conditioning or self-habitualization of sorts. For example, what is the primary cause of a rocket balloon’s sound during a particular release: the balloon’s innate structure, or the precise way in which its mouth was held by the releaser prior to release? Or is their another predominant factor? I asked him these and various other questions.

Unfortunately Dr. Knobb was unable to provide me with answers in as much as he provided me more questions. He asked me, rather rudely, “Professor, why, when you open your mouth, does sound come out? What must I do to halt this phenomena?”

Having replied snarkily as he did, the man then pinched my belly ferociously and stormed into the distance. I imagine he did this because such a passionate, principled seeker of truth becomes overwhelmed when faced with the reality of how much we do not know.

Awaiting further correspondence.