A Most Bizarre Questionnaire

Zulu Z. Zulu,
Times Staff

How often do you make a decision - a conscious and final effort to shave some possibilities out of your future and instill certainty in how you’d like to continue? Once or twice a day? Or countless times? Is going to class each day a decision, or does every time you go to class fall under the one grand decision of going to college in the first place? Can you play the trumpet? Have you ever been to Japan? If you could, would yo go? Can you taste the electrolytes in Gatorade? Like me, do you think bug spray is a hoax? Have you ever been to summer camp? Do you know what an upper decker is? Who has the most home runs in history? “History”, who came up with that spelling? Have you ever attempted to swim across the ocean? Will you? Is it the clouds that are stopping you? Is your biggest fear right angles? Why are there only right angles in Southwest? Do you know about relativity? Have you ever sat on a lit stove, causing your pants to burn, and then run out into a New York City street begging for mercy and redemption only to be saved by a man in a blue Elmo costume?

Is there such thing as a dumb question? Do you think I can answer any of my own questions? Is it pompous to think I can? When was the last time you watched a full length documentary focusing on how fish in Southeast Asia were, and still are affected by the Vietnam War? Am I right to assume your next thought after reading the last question was that no such thing exists? If you could read people’s minds in 30 second blocks, one unfiltered block per person per day, would you? How many Zs are in your family ancestry?

What is planet Earth’s ultimate fate? Does it matter considering in all likelihood no one alive today will be around to see it? Do you believe in guarantees? Are you aware of how many foreign governments the C.I.A. has destroyed? Did you watch Game 7 of the World Series? What is the future of professional baseball across the world? Do you find it ironic that it is the most popular sport in Cuba, and Fidel Castro himself was an admirer of the game? Where is flight MH370? Have you checked under your couch cushions? When was ice cream invented? How did it get to the United States? Was it really Dolley Madison who brought it here? If you had 86,000 LEGO pieces what would you build? Would you craft something magnificent and awe-inspiring or would you let them set in a pile of multicolored, plastic rubble out of indecision and/or fear of making something other people won’t approve of? Would you prefer to live in a country that drives on the left?

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