Who is Chimpanzee Joe, The Surreal Times Newschimp?
Chimpanzee Joe: intelligent, verbose and misanthropic despite lacking functional vocal cords. Today, Chimpanzee Joes communicates via his typewriter, a computer and a special speech tablet.
But where did Chimpanzee Joe come from? Why is he so intelligent? Will we ever convince him to stop flinging feces?
The trail begins in 1957 in French Cameroon. Chimpanzee Joe’s father was collected from the wild and sold to the U.S Government. He was flown far away to Holloman Air Force Base in New Mexico. There, he was called Subject 65. He was not given a name. The U.S government feared that a name would only give rise to human emotions not meant for a disposable primate.
Subject 65 was a bright chimp, quick at pulling levers, always calm. Capitalizing on his quick-wittedness, the government loaded him into a special capsule and shot him into orbit. When in space he pulled the levers only slightly slower. Video footage shows him terrified, although the video shown to the public was sanitized and showed only the calm parts. After he re-entered orbit his capsule was retrieved. He made it home in one piece and was given the name Ham, an acronym for Holloman Aerospace Medical Center. Now that he was safe, the government bestowed him with a name.
Ham’s troubles did not end there. He was transferred to the National Zoo in Washington for 17 years where, as far as this reporter can tell, he lived completely alone. Undoubtedly a traumatic experience for such a smart chimp. But Ham’s story brightens after his solitude.
Ham was transferred to the North Carolina Zoo, where he would find other chimps and romance. He died at the age of 25.
Ham met Chimpanzee Jane in the North Carolina Zoo. While it might be tempting to think that Ham bestowed his son with astrochimp abilities, truthfully Ham was best at pulling levers but not much else. Even though he could perform this task while blasting off into orbit, his intelligence ended there.
Chimpanzee Joe’s intelligence is maternal, and from none other than Chimpanzee Jane. After Ham’s death, Chimpanzee Jane grew unruly and aggressive. When she learned she was pregnant with Ham’s child she became desperate to escape. She created a plan and organized the chimps. My father, Fred Kierlskegrienger, documented her escape.
Where did Chimpanzee Jane go? Where was Chimpanzee Joe born? We have only a snippet to go on, without even the full title, a single rumour that three years after the zoo escape, two intelligent chimpanzees held up a convenience store in Cleveland.
Was it Chimpanzee Jane and a young Chimpanzee Joe? Impossible to tell, but I think so.
This puts Chimpanzee Joe at 35 years old. Not a spry young lad, but no geezer. However, while we cannot disclose our sources at this point, we have it on good authority that Chimpanzee Jane is still alive. This implies that the pair’s shared intelligence comes with a greater lifespan.
What happened after the stick up is unknown. Unless Chimpanzee Joe tells us, I don’t think we’ll know. But he’s here now, and we’re happy to have him.
Chimpanzee Joe’s Comments: While I didn’t expect this to come out so soon, Joe has done an admirable job of putting the pieces together. I can’t confirm or deny the 7-Eleven incident, just as I can’t confirm or deny whether my mother is still alive. Part of me is glad that this came out. I can live more openly now and fling feces without looking over my shoulder. But this story should explain my feelings on the human race. Suffice it to say that you deserve all the feces that is thrown at you. But for the time being, The Surreal Times is the only job in town willing to pay me in bananas. That’s good enough for me.
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