Professor Burgowittz, supposedly of The University of Dortmund, is a journalist of the worst kind. He is incredibly confused, yet he writes as though he understands the world. I imagine him as the product of a pompous mother with a liberal arts degree and a father whose greatest work in life was building a second place Pinewood derby cart as a child. I'll wager that Burgowittz rose up in the world thinking he was predisposed to intelligence, all because of the fantastic fucking go-kart his father built and said would have won the race if it weren't for the non-standard axle pins Jimmy Bricket or whoever cheated by using.
In reality, Burgowittz is a man of average intellect who won the lottery by being placed into a position of influence. As such, he poses great danger to our democracy. Because speculation and fake news, such as that which Burgowittz promulgates, undermines the foundation of democracy: the voter---along with his good heart and his informed mind. I must say: with bad information, a good-heart is detrimental to society.
Therefore, I set out to disavow Burgowittz' theory on Edobe-nash.
A layman such as Burgowittz could never understand how forensic anthropology allows us to analyze Bom-nash's skeleton and extract a biological profile, and how, while utilizing a biological profile, modern Computational Biologists can approximate entire genotypes. Stochastic methods are employed to fill holes in extracted data. And, thanks to high levels of redundancy in the human genome, this can be done with 99.9% accuracy.
Crucially, in 2007, Professor Halgumnov of the University of Wisconsin created a software program which simulates the materialization of the phenotype. Applied to Grandpa Bom-nash's DNA, this program constructed an atomic resolution virtual model of the man's physicality.
What was discovered during the analysis of this model was that Granpa Bom-nash's brain had an important feature. It was equipped with a biological magnetorometer, and one of a very particular kind. Grandpa Bom-nash's magnetorometer was comprehensive. Together with his biological accelerometer, it was essentially a GPS unit.
There are two types of mammals. The first is the home-based mammal. Instances of this type revolve their lives around a particular geological position. The second type is the nomadic kind.
Burgowittz, lacking basic knowledge in biology and anthropology, would not be aware that these differing types of mammals possess different biological faculties optimized for their respective ways of life.
In the context of GPS faculties, home-based mammals are simple. In many cases, they do not require GPS systems whatsoever. Instead, as they wander from home, they maintain a mental log of the turns they make. Utilizing this log, they navigate their way home.
Nomadic animals, in contrast, require complicated positional senses. They use these to geotag places of interest such as those with water, food, or those that are dangerous.
Knowing this, and knowing that Grandpa Bom-nash's biology was indeed equipped with complex positioning mechanisms, we can assume that Bom-nash was of the nomadic type. Because, due to the high energy consumption levels of GPS systems, it would be infeasible to maintain them without a strong impetus to do so.
At the very least, we know that Bom-nash had many generations of ancestors who were nomadic. So Burgowittz is nothing more than a crackpot when he claims that Bom-nash was the first human. Stupid idiot. Imagine how incestuous a civilization like the one Burgowittz described would have been. High levels of mutation would have been inevitable. It could never have lasted this long.
Of course, one might ask: How did Burgowittz wind up as foolish and vacuous as he is? Genes such as his could never last in a nomadic society, in which the unfit are not coddled as they are today. Stupid idiot. I suppose his incestuous theories of the inception of our species --- although they are categorically invalid ----, I suppose they would explain the brainless nature of "Professor" Burgowittz.