UMass seeks energy crown

The latest construction project at UMass is more ambitious than any of the past. On the surface level, it entails the erecting of a new building in which BCT majors and others will have their classes. Looking more deeply into the project, my intelligence agency, The PIA (a.k.a. the Peripheral Intelligence Agency), has uncovered plans to build a nuclear fusion reactor in the second basement of this ostensibly academic building.

Success with the reactor would propel the University to the top charts when it comes to energy efficiency and sustainability. Certainly it would garner scientific interest as well, and academic acclaim. Most importantly, top science students nationwide would flock to Amherst. This project could single-handedly transform UMass into an institution akin to MIT or Caltech.

The Administration keeps these plans classified in hopes of distancing themselves from their competition while remaining inconspicuous. However, we at the PIA believe that information is the property of no single individual or entity. An axiom of ours is that everyone has the right to know. Therefore, we share this intel with you. Do with it what you will.

For more articles by Clarence Mon, click here. To establish direct correspondence, email