Amherst, Ma - Official Police Report: Elderly man found in Crows Nest of Van Meter Hall at The University of Massachusetts, Amherst. The man was discovered after students on the top floor of the building heard “howling and scratching” above them on the night of November 9th at approximately 3am. Officers on scene expected to find an animal due to the noises, however the man discovered was not an animal, despite his feral appearance. There was no food in the room, and the only objects discovered were an antiquated radio, a chair, and a rubber ducky resembling the former US President Richard Nixon.
This is a transcription of the interview that followed.
Investigator: You refused to give us your name when you were detained, can you tell me now that it is just the two of us?
Carl: My name is Carl.
Investigator: Tell me about yourself, Carl.
Carl: What do you want to know?
Investigator: Our records say that you disappeared in May of 1969.
Carl: Is that what they said about me? It’s funny, I never heard anything of my disappearance on the radio.
Investigator: The radio in your room?
Investigator: What was that?
Carl: I lived in a temple, not a room.
Investigator: I’m sorry, temple. And have you left the… temple… since you were declared missing?
Carl: My body has not… No.
Investigator: I see… Did anyone know where you were?
Investigator: It is our understanding that no food or water was found in your room, how did you …
Investigator: Yes, temple. Our medics informed us that you were severely malnourished and dehydrated. How did you survive without food or water for almost 50 years.
Carl: I don’t need it.
Investigator: Sir, with all due respect that is imposs….
Carl: I don’t need it because I am filled with information.
Investigator: That’s nice, but it does not explain how you survived.
Carl: Ask me anything.
Carl: Ask me a question.
Investigator: What’s your favorite color?
Carl: No, no, no… Facts, ask me facts.
Investigator: Who was the first president of the United States?
Carl: No! No, no, no! Between the years of 1969 and 2016.
Investigator: … Ok ok, who was the president in 1969?
Carl: You bastard.
Carl: Why would you bring him up? He’s the whole reason I had to go into occultation.
Carl: Yes, hidden behind these great glass walls. I can see the entire world from up here, and what I see I can control.
Investigator: And what is it that you control?
Carl: All of it.
Investigator: I see.
Investigator tries to conceal a smile on his face.
Carl: You think that I’m insane.
Investigator: No, that’s not necesar….
Carl: You think I’m insane, and you’re right. I am. And you would be too if you had the power that I hold in my mind. Every single step I choose for you all to take leads me to an infinite array of paths, of which I must choose the right one. And this process has repeated, minute after minute, day after day, for 47 years.
Investigator: Then why have you chosen today to give yourself up?
Carl: Because my task has finally been completed.
Investigator: You mean…
Carl: Yes, I am the reason Donald J. Trump has been democratically elected to be the next President of the United States.
Investigator: You bastard.
Carl: You’re lucky to have me.
Investigator: How could this possibly end in anything besides a catastrophe?
Carl: Oh it will, and it will be the most beautiful catastrophe since The Big Bang.
Investigator: Why would you do this?
Carl: You have to understand, politics is an ugly business my dear boy. America was heading down a slippery slope in 1968 when Nixon was elected. There were mass revolts to throw him out of office, all in vain, and in the midst of one of these frivolous riots my destiny became clear. So I exiled myself within my own country, and ruled from atop my temple. Tell me, are you a fan of the Watergate Scandal?
Investigator: Well... yes, I’m glad that son-of-a-bitch got what he deserved.
Carl: That’s nice to hear, one of my best works that’s for sure. The rest came rather easily after that.
Investigator: What do you mean?
Carl: Ever since, you have all been at war with the government. Your skepticism versus their authority. It has turned you all into an easily manipulated machine. Quite the contradiction really. Your desires to unearth corruption has led you into the depths of one of the greatest fraudulent opportunities in our history. It’s made my job quite easy, all I have to do is blow some fog on my window and paint whatever picture I want; you all give it a pulse. Lucky for us, he’ll pay the price when the time is right.
Investigator: You really expect me to believe that you paint political pictures in fog that somehow come to life in our world?
Carl: Well not just politics. You remember the ‘86 World Series don’t you?
Investigator: Don’t tell me you’re a Mets fan!
Carl: Oh I am indeed! Let’s just say that ground ball Buckner let tumble through his legs was no error.
Investigator: You fucking bastard!
Carl: A Sox fan I see. Ha Ha, sorry about that.
Investigator kicks his chair out from beneath him and begins to pace the room.
Carl: Ah c’mon, we all need to have some fun once in awhile, don’t we? Anyway, I had to blow off some steam after making a damn actor our commander in chief. The seeds had to be planted somewhere, I guess. Ha, now that I think of it, you’re all kind of actors in a way, playing insignificant roles in my magnum opus. Truly hysterical.
Investigator: You’re sick. No you’re a fucking loon!
Carl: Ah, if only you could understand just how much I love you.
Investigator: I’m going to personally lobotomize you when this is over.
Carl: Come on now, I had to do it…
Investigator: Do what, turn a goddamn joke into the leader of this great country?
Carl: Oh this country was never great, it was founded on the same principles that you criticize your future President for believing. He’ll make America great again, I promise you.
Investigator: Ok Carl, or God if I may address you as such, just how will Trump make America great?
Carl: You may. And as for Trump, utter chaos, followed by complete destruction of the three pillars that support our country: Democracy, Capitalism, and Equality. Yes.
Investigator: Is that supposed to give me hope?
Carl: A flower will bloom from this rubble, and it will have petals a color that this county has has never seen.
Investigator: Give me one good reason to trust you, Carl.
Carl: You don’t have to trust me. The seeds have already been planted and the picture has already been painted in my breath.