It is now in the public domain that four freshman students discovered a key while stumbling around the central hill in the first week of the fall semester. The students were quoted saying that they were “looking for a place to chill” and found such spot in one of the many crab apple trees located on the hill. Though now unsure of the exact tree, as it was “dark af” that night, the student, who wishes to remain anonymous, found the key high on a limb and only pulled it down because he though that it was a crab apple. The student in question held the key in his fanny pack, hoping to discover the matched lock in the future. His attempts remained unsuccessful until Saturday of last weekend.

The students, now declaring themselves a “squad,” stated that they had spent Saturday night attempting to get into a fraternity party and, like their luck with the key, were unsuccessful despite having “a 3:1 ratio” and “knowing many people there.” Disgruntled, the group was supposedly returning to their dorm on the top floor of Van Meter when they heard “a dude howl” and scratching on the ceiling above them. They students would not have been confused if they had not lived on the to floor.

They continued with their pong game until inspiration struck the anonymous student dug the key from his fanny pack. “I just put the key in the thing, and it was like… click.” The students heard a scuffling and an inquiring moan when they lifted the hatch open and thinking it may have been a howling rodent of sorts, the student in question climbed inside.

According to the student, “I went in and there was just like a dude chilling there, he was naked and starring at something so I was like ‘what’s up man?’ and he just pointed outside to nothing. Then he looked at me with these crazy eyes and was like ‘ooba ooma dadadoo” or something like that and started dancing. I wasn’t scared but I got the hell out of there and called the cops.”

The police currently have this man in custody and are attempting to ask him his intentions. However, he is undocumented and seems to not speak in our native tongue. This account is still under investigation and more will be reported in upcoming editions. As for now, police are advising any discovery of keys to be promptly reported to the authorities and crab apple trees not to be climbed.