PITTSFIELD, MA - Let it be known that Mount Von Clidesmic erupted with a glass-shattering shockwave that struck fear into all of Pittsfield. Let it be known also that nobody was injured by the volcano, because its secretion was perfectly vertical, non-newtonian, and low-temperature in nature. Rest easy knowing that your loved ones, after many days of sitting in hopeless idle behind their ooblec-blockaded doors, discovered a dependable method of escape. They gathered shovels and baseball bats and club-like objects of various kinds. They climbed up their chimneys and they embarked on a ground-pounding journey, vigorously striking the fluid ahead of them in order to harden it enough to be traversed.