This grass is too damn prickly.

(letter to the editor)

The green on the mountain is terribly sharp and generally unpleasant. Walking atop it, even while wearing my floppy-floppies, I am overwhelmed by a nail prickling on the bottoms of my feet. This is strange, because there are rarely if ever dangerous objects under the water into which people jump. So many people jump from the rock and into the water, one assumes it is safe.

That is why, you, the Editor, ought to do something about this. You spent seven days or whatever it was cooking dinner. You might as well put some sauce on all of it. Or at least give us ants some better jackets for the winter time. We’re always freezing up when it’s cold outside. And I can’t even talk to a lady without my palms getting sweaty.

Good day, sir,
Genuinely Importantly,
Alfred Humbleton.

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