Gentlemen. Gentleladies. This moment demands swift conviction, I say to you! Because on the twenty first of August, during this year two-thousand-seventeen, our savior will return. He will come emanating a disk of such bright and pure light, that the day will appear dark in comparison for three minutes. We will experience earth’s most brutish elements during this period. Sudden cold. Dancing, encircling wind. And uproar from the animals. Grand unspeakable tribulations will mark the commencement of The Millennium. And shortly thereafter, our savior will depart our world, having delivered us his gift of new unison.

I hope, when he is reclaimed by the angels, that our people will have gathered a lasting critical mass along the geodesic of eclipse totality. I hope that our pilgrimage will have been sufficient to alter the weight distribution of the earth and thereby put a wobble on its spin. I hope we as a people are strong enough to endure the wobble, and to eventually be graced by a life of freedom and abundance on the new equator, the blessed land, after our pilgrimage materializes as a mass permanent immigration.

So I impel you! Gather your families, your friends, and all of their belongings. Put them in your oil carriages and flying machines. Put them on your shoulders if you must, and walk. However you can, bring yourself, your loved ones, and everyone and everything that you can to Columbia, South Carolina for the 21st of August, or to a city along the geodesic connecting Columbia to Carbondale, IL.

If you are strong, carry weight.