This is professor Burgowittz. I am mentally exhausted. I am physically crippled. I have been awake for more than sixty hours, my motivation being the recent discoveries regarding lunar water and the questions that they raise.

First I should relay some background. Liquid water can't exist on the moon's surface. This is because the mass lacks necessary gravity to maintain an atmosphere. And, in the vacuum of space, water exposed to harsh sun and low pressure evaporates easily, ultimately to flung centrifugally. Scientists imagined water dissipating before ever accumulating during the moon's early days formation. For a long time, they envisioned the moon completely dry. But that was the past. The existence of lunar H20 has been known for a good while now -- ever since the Apollo mission, in which frozen droplets were recovered from a volcanic crater by A. Creed's crew of fighters (who had climbed the highest staircases in Philadelphia and were searching for a still higher milestone). Recently a group of scientists from India expanded upon the discovery. They realized that every similar crater on the moon must bear similar cargo. And they used knowledge of the moon having seven such craters to infer seven times the water originally thought. This excited them, because it was sustained life on the moon that they equated to achieving a certain kind of spiritual emancipation called Moksa.

That’s the consensus — that all of this H20, enough to puddle a fourteen inch deep ocean around the entire lunar mass, has always been as it so, or that it had gotten there by means of many life cycles of good work.

Some think that the moon once, like a loon, swooped down for a gulp of water. Others theorize atmosphere leaks...

But just this month, Nature Geoscience garnered a new number, this one indicated a 7-foot and growing lunar ocean potential. Growing! And then suddenly shrinking only for a brief time!? Then growing again!? By golly, the inexplicability of this is what has deprived my of life, liberty, and everything else over the last three days!

I cannot say for certain. And I can’t yet publish my correspondences, statistics, or exact figurings, because I’m still working to form a case for presentation to a subsidiary agency of NATO whose name I can’t mention. But what I can say is that those stories you read as a child, the one’s purporting moon elevators, space straws (of the wormhole variety and otherwise), and all that nonsense.. was not complete nonsense.

I have come to believe that, as a result of the world’s imminent water crisis, a group of elites have bound together under a blood pact to squander the world’s most valuable commodity. They’ve taken fantastic pinnacles of physics and engineering, such the first ever non-matierial archimedes screws, constructed from invisible, untouchable charged particles that stochastically gather water vapor from our atmosphere. And these elites have put these ingenious inventions to misuse, covertly siphoning droplets of evaporated Earth water on enormous scale.

I realize this is far-fetched. But the truth is we have a new age of burglers and squanderers on our hands. Something must be done. Please be weary, citizens of the world — for every season rains less than the last.

And to anyone who cites the recent harsh weather in the southern United States as contradiction to this accusation: I point you in the direction of the sun, and in the direction of the hurricane, and in the direction of a calendar. Match together the dates of the most recent herculean solar flare. When you realize the possibility of the flare forcing backup down and out of a giant archimedes screw in outer space, sending a cycloning waterfall down upon Texas and Florida — perhaps your attention will be jarred as mine was. And more so when you learn of the moon shining full almost directly above Houston on that dismal day.

People, it is time we mount an opposition; it is time we reclaim our water.