Ongoing Offshoot of Liquid From Mandarin Oriental Hotel to Groundly Mouths
New York, NY — A window on the top floor of the Mandarin Oriental hotel adjacent to Central Park has been unhinged to make way for a fire hose. Since July 17th, this hose has spewed some 12,000,000 gallons of water upon the park and the citizens enjoying it.
Initially, when citizens would feel globs of liquid splatter upon their heads, they would look up to a perplexingly cloudless blue sky — one that could not possibly produce rain. Confused, they would quickly zero in on the source of the water. They would gawk at it for a moment, avoid it, and eventually continue their daily lives.
Today, citizens crowd the water-spewing building. They carry buckets and tupperware containers. They carry backpacks full of miscellaneous bottles. Sometimes they roll fifty-gallon drums or 5-gallon drums stacked upon dollies. All of this, they do to collect as much of what what ostensibly is plain water as possible. This liquid, however, is more than water. It is infused with a little known substance which improves performance on standardized tests and in daily life. People travel to the Mandarin each day to bring back servings of this liquid to their families and communities.
It has been peaceful thus far, guided by words written on a flag waving beside the window:
“CLEAN WATER, LIKE AIR,
WAS ALWAYS THERE.
IT CAN’T BE OWNED,
LIKE BREAD OR BEER.”
And, on the backside:
“So:”
“SIP WHAT’S ALL’S,
WHAT FILLS THESE FALLS.
FLOWING FROM POCKETS
AND INTO Y’ALL.”
Police officers’ attempts at breaking down the 25th story door have been futile. The individual or group of individuals inside continue to siphon this liquid from the hotel’s water supply and send it down toward the people on the ground. The Mandarin Oriental is unable to cut off the liquid flow without cutting it off to the entire hotel.
Siphoners take just enough water not to cross the The Mandarin’s bottom line. In other words, they keep the hotel’s profits just barely positive enough to avoid giving green-nosed board members a reason to shut the place down. Thus, the siphoning scheme continues.
As my father would say…
peripherally go the winds of progress…
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