Man Shows Vulnerability, Successfully Apprehended
Be advised, the names in this story may have been changed for privacy purposes. Except for the suspect’s name. His name is Teddy Wilkins. Again, Teddy Wilkins.
“I started to get suspicious when he began keeping a diary but I didn’t ask him about it or anything.” said the suspect’s roommate, Josh, who had been living with Wilkins for the past semester. “One day he just started talking to me about all the stuff. I mean, his ex-girlfriend, his family and all these insecurities or whatever. I finally had to do something about it.”
“Without any evidence, we couldn’t have the suspect apprehended in a way that would be considered constitutional,” said Sheriff Paul Rudyard, “This is why things like wiretapping and bugging a room are such effective strategies with handling these more intimate cases. We managed to intercept some emotional calls with Wilkins’ mom and that was enough probable cause send the boys in.”
“It was one of those nights again. Teddy would talk and talk about his childhood trauma and how he’s afraid to be himself and get too close to anybody,” said Josh, “But by then we had the room bugged and the campus S.W.A.T. busted right through the window and slammed him to the ground mid sentence. There was glass everywhere, it was incredible really.”
The police also managed to confiscate some evidence: the diary, a sketchpad, and a T.V. were among them. “Everybody loves It’s Always Sunny” says the Sheriff “But due to the nature of the suspect and the amount of consecutive episodes he’s been watching in such a short period of time, we suspect he used it as some type of coping mechanism. The whole Television unit has been impounded.”
In his closing statements, the Sheriff had this to say, “I would just like to remind everyone that not only is it inadmissible in this county to show vulnerability, but to feel vulnerable as well. The next time you begin to feel vulnerable, insecure or self-conscious, make sure to bottle those feelings up and shove them as far down into your subconscious as possible.”
When all is said and done, it appears that the Police Department has once again helped maintain the dignity of our county. Now, instead of facing his own personal demons, Teddy Wilkins will be facing the death penalty on Tuesday. Wilkins family, friends and the community are relieved.
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