Mikey Reviews: Woke Foods Inc. - New “Conspiracy” Themed Family Restaurant
Gimmicky restaurants are a dime a dozen these days. It’s fun to go out to eat somewhere with a different mood or atmosphere, but so often I have been to restaurants where they overdo the “allure” aspect while serving mediocre food. This is why I get excited when a new restaurant comes along that is all parts fun, atmospheric and delicious.
Woke Foods Inc is a new place that opened in Somerville this past month. It has gained popularity for going all out with its “conspiracy” theme, having the servers wear tinfoil hats, decking the restaurant out in fake newspaper headlines and displaying items like “Tuna Can’t Melt Steel Beams” on its menu.
I got a table with my friend Barry just in time for them to start serving lunch. We took our seats right below a news clipping that read, “ANGELINA JOLIE: LIZARD PERSON?”. Our server was named Teddy, and he brought us complementary tinfoil hats to wear while we enjoy our meals. I took a few minutes to ask Teddy about some of the various items on the menu.
“What is the ‘Flat-Earth Special’?”
“That’s one large pancake. Unfortunately, we’re not serving breakfast at this time.”
“I see. What about the ‘Moon-Landing Hoax’?”
“That is our most popular item. A grilled burger on a toasted potato bun.”
“What is today’s special?”
“Our special is the ‘Illuminati Sandwich’. We are not at liberty to tell you how that’s made.”
I decided on the “Moon-Landing Hoax” with a side of “Jews Run Hollywood” sweet potato fries. Barry ordered the “NSA Can See You Naked” steak. Teddy took our menus and asked us if we wanted more “Communist Unpurified Water”.
As we waited for our food, Barry kept looking over at me with a giant grin on his face. Over at the kitchen window, I noticed a small, balding man staring directly at me. When I made eye contact with him, he immediately turned away and went back to the kitchen. Strange, I thought.
Our food arrived shortly after, only instead of Teddy it was a female server named Sandy. I jokingly asked her what she did with Teddy, and she gave me a confused look and asked, “Teddy? Who’s Teddy?”.
The Moon-Landing burger came out in a toasted grey bun with a miniature American flag and a movie camera decorated on the top. The burger was thick and juicy, and the toasted potato bun gave it a unique flavor and a very satisfying crunch. Barry was still staring at me with that stupid grin on his face as he chewed his steak.
While we ate our food, the manager arrived, the same short balding man who was looking at us through the window. He asked us how we were enjoying our meal and if we needed anything. We were fine but curious about our original server, Teddy. The manager suddenly went white and disappeared from our table.
I looked back over at Barry, but he was no longer smiling. He had a sorrowful look on his face, as he swallowed his bite and whispered, “I’m sorry, Mikey. I never had a choice”.
Before I knew it, a large hand was placed over my face. I struggled in my seat as a chloroform rag covered my mouth and nose, knocking me out.
When I came to, I was tied to a chair in some dark interrogation room. My head throbbing, I glanced at a group of men in suits speaking Russian to each other.
“What the hell is going on?” I pleaded.
“Listen, man, you’re in too deep. You better start talking.” A large man in a suit was leaning in front of me, his massive hand gripping my shoulder.
“I don’t know anything! I just came here to have lunch!”
“There’s something you’re not telling us. Talk! Before we have to do something drastic”
Tears ran down my face. “Oh my god. What have you done with Teddy? Where’s Teddy?”
“Last chance, kid”
A track of urine started running down my pants.
“1…”
“I won’t tell anybody I swear!”
“2…”
“Please, please, please!”
“3!” The lights flashed on. “Happy Birthday to Yoooouuuu…” A group of servers came out with a cake with the Twin Towers on the top as sparklers. I saw that the person holding the cake was none other than Teddy. We was alive, and in on it the entire time!
“Happy Birthday to Yooouuu….” The whole room clapped and I glanced over at Barry, who was now standing at the corner of the room, laughing and grinning like an idiot.
“Oh, Barry”, I laughed.
“Let’s get you untied so we can have some dessert!”
The cake was warm and rich in chocolate, and I made sure to thank the servers for the delicious food and the amazing service.
There are so few restaurants that are able to go all the way with their theme while still serving tasty meals. I would highly recommend checking out Woke Foods Inc if you’re ever in Somerville. Unfortunately, I can’t, because the restaurant has just been closed down. Apparently the cops found an underground sex slave dungeon in the basement, and the burger I ate was apparently made from the meat of a 4-year-old Sudanese kid.
Oh well.
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