Selected Not-news Since 1973
Updates on the negative space of the quadro-decade
The following is a list of events which have not happened since 1973. Some (if not all) of these events may have never occurred at all. Regardless, these events (within the means of the probable) will not occur before 2023.
Not-news item #1: In the aforementioned time period, the antonym of “horizon” has not once been listed by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary as “contagious”.
Certainty: 99%.
Source: archive.org.
Not-news item #2: In the aforementioned time period, no beneficial therapy has been received by Sir Edward Stein, who was at one point famous in niche circles.
Certainty: 88%.
Source: Sir Edward’s continuing belief that he is the Queen of England’s most prized piece of furniture, specifically: a table, that was accidentally sold by her assistant while she was on Safari in Australia’s Wild Northwest Coast.
Not-news item #3: In the aforementioned time period, no cure or revival serum for surprise aerial tabun needle injections has been available to the public.
Certainty: 92%.
Source: common knowledge and the assumption that, if a cure or serum were available, the tabun needle crisis of 2019 could have been mitigated (it wasn’t).
Not-news item #4: In the aforementioned time period, humans have not hosted zero-gravity electronic music rave dances in outer space or simulated zero-gravity chambers.
Certainty: 70%.
Source: reddit.com.
Not-news item #5. In the aforementioned time period, the Boston Red Sox have not collectively flogged or flagellated themselves for religious or other purposes.
Certainty: 95%.
Source: redsox.com.
Not-news item #6: In the aforementioned time period, the United States Government has not acknowledged the true source of the world’s problems, that is, the fake sun which manipulates us using narrow ray withdrawal as leverage.
Certainty: 100%.
Source: cia.gov.
This sentence concludes my public curation of “SELECTED NOT-NEWS SINCE 1973”.
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