31 Year old Woman Lodged Somewhat Firmly in Year 2012

It’s always 2012 for Jackie Horton. Despite what anyone says, Blue Ivy Carter was born in January and Ray Bradbury died in June and it’s not cool to be bisexual yet. No matter how her friends—whom she only remembers between August and December, likely due to the timing of their MDMA-fueled and bathroom-based first meeting that summer—plead the contrary, she insists wedge sneakers are wonderfully lengthening and only eclipsed in brilliance by the peplum silhouette. Her hair is flat-ironed within an inch of its life.

She exhales uneasy complacency, a carbon-based gas uniquely developed under most of the gentler presidencies, especially ones so gentle they were bound to be succeeded by an equal and opposite force (this is according to all laws of the known universe—Jackie, though existing over multiple timelines, maintains that she has no prophetic abilities whatsoever and is less clairvoyant than escargot).

Much to the chagrin of literally everyone, We Are Young feat. Janelle Monáe plays every sixth rotation on the tinny speaker of her iPod touch. During lunch breaks she’s regularly spotted humming Call Me Maybe for half a chorus, stopping abruptly, and violently shaking her autotune-addled brain, mumbling: “God, I hate that song.”

Even though she’s quite unable to comprehend a date past Dec. 31st 2012, she’s still a satisfactory secretary according to CCO Walter Kirkpatrick of EZ-Open LLC, a mid-level container company headquartered in Baltimore. “She’s always exactly four minutes early and I’ve never heard a better phone voice,” he told the Times, listing a few other critical secretary-traits, including the ability to take a number of complex coffee orders at a time without writing them down and being flirtatious but not overly saucy.

“She doesn’t know Uncle Fred passed in ‘15 but we just call her landline twice a year while she’s at work and leave her recorded voicemails, usually snippets of his speech at my cousin Chelsea’s wedding, which goes over pretty well, actually,” says her mother. “It helps that he lived in a tractor shed in Tulsa and she wasn’t used to hearin’ from him frequently.”

Jackie, while somewhat confused and generally a bit vaporous by sundown, lives happily with her betta fish in Catonsville, MD.

For more articles by Rio Calais, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email rio@surrealtimes.net.


[Ashli@Dec.30 6:24pm]: I was curious if you ever considered changing the layout of your site? Its very well written

[Ashli@Dec.30 6:24pm]: I was curious if you ever conssidered changing the layout of your site? Itts very well written


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