ALBUQERQUE, New Mexico - Recently there have been a series of seemingly unrelated assaults on the youth of New Mexico’s largest city. Most of these crimes have been committed by men, who tend to have a female accomplice. In every neighborhood: poor and rich, black and white, with cactus and without cactus these acts have been witnessed. They have even inspired copycats and spinoffs.

Witnesses describe the perpetrators as having babies in what must be kevlar enclosures strapped to their chests. Not only does this compress the babies’ lungs, but these savvy, inconspicuous delinquents are using these children as human shields. Kevlar is known for its bulletproof properties, and if you were to add a stone or two (Yes, that is a form of measuring weight. One stone is equal to 14 pounds. Count on the fucking British to come up with some bullshit like “stones”. What’s the weight of a “rock”? Fuck it why not measure things in “pelicans”, one “pelican” is equal 1.697 stones. Settled.) of human flesh between you and the bullet and the kevlar your safety can only increase. Despite the obvious health benefits to the wearer it is a sickening practice.

Many of these deranged folk with infant shields have the child facing them so they can slobber on the victim’s face while he asphyxiates, likely to death. Witnesses report the adult’s favorite location to lick the children is right between their eyebrows. “The most likely cause for this is that they are trying to suck out the child’s pituitary gland. Many vitamin C addicts are known for this behavior as the gland is rich in it. What most addicts don’t realize is that the gland is inaccessible when it’s behind the skull, one would have to remove it to get the valued resource. A vitamin C addiction can lead people to a dark place, where they make strange, very strange decisions. I would recommend police start tracking anyone who makes large purchases of oranges,” said local crime expert and renowned homeless man Ezequiel Zhivago.

The baby squeezers are not hard to spot, they’re usually sweaty and they’ve got a fucking baby strapped to their chest! Aim for the head or the legs please, don’t hit the innocent little kid. For God’s sake the last thing this city needs right now is a bunch of dead infants. Copycats have started strapping the children into small cars known as carriages or strollers; detectives are working hard to figure out how the adult benefits from this. It remains unknown how the child and the adult come into contact in these cases, police believe the babies are just hitchhikers in need of some extra cash.

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