Beloved Surreal Times Reporter Zulu Z. Zulu Wanted Dead or Alive

At a joint press conference Saturday morning, the FBI, Interpol, and the United Nations Peacekeeping Mission announced a worldwide arrest warrant for Surreal Times reporter Zulu Z. Zulu. He is wanted for third-degree truth telling, disturbing the peace, public nudity, worshipping false idols, and several speeding tickets. Mr. Zulu was last seen on a motorcycle next to a rice field.

A photo of him with a group of farmers surfaced on Facechattube shortly before the announcement. They were all smiling and gesturing with a single thumb facing upwards. Authorities suspect this gesture is a sign of unity amongst the cult Mr. Zulu has been growing across the planet. When the people in the picture were questioned by FBI Agent Diego Cabrón, they all pretended to not understand English, Spanish, or Swahili. When approached, each of them produced a copy of the US Constitution's fourth and fifth amendments in a mix of English and symbols the Bureau had never seen before. Agent Cabrón said the FBI is in the process of decoding these symbols, in hopes their meaning may lead to Mr. Zulu's whereabouts.

Mr. Zulu had taken some time off from writing recently to travel, and as he said before he was last seen in the Western World, "I need to cleanse myself of this culture of plastic, self-loathing, and bullshit." The FBI and the UN said they would be working together to collect information from every single person's cell phone and computer on Earth in order to bring Mr. Zulu to justice.

For more articles by Giles Squin, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email


[spengleton@Oct.04 6:44am]: Personally I am looking forward to the day when he is finally put in the clink. ZZZ is a good friend of mine, but he needs help.

[spengleton@Oct.04 6:45am]: Some time in a jail cell will do him good.

[Triple Z@Mar.18 3:27pm]: My people are watching you Spengleface. Beware.


See Also

Want to read more news? Click here for a random article.