Big Animal Planet or Big Animal Hoax

Tomorrow morning leading jazz fabricist Dr. Fabio Faberge has concrete proof of “the Universal Bowel.” Currently the bowel is purely theoretical, but also a foundational principle for many jazz fabrical theories on how the universe functions. More interestingly, however, Dr Faberge has discovered what he terms “Big Animal Planet (BAP)- a planet of animals that are really big, or perhaps some of them are normal sized? To be quite honest I’m not sure if this is even real, but it probably is.”

Tonight Fabio will awake to find his private quarters filled with bronzed (and nude) men, crowned by a variety of wreaths (floral, laurel, etcetera) purporting to be Guardians of the Bowels. The Bowels allow individuals to travel from one point in the Universe to another. At present, it’s unknown (officially) how an individual would be granted access to the Bowels- an arrangement that Dr. Faberge believes is further complicated by the Guardians. Amongst these naked and physically impeccable males will be a carrier pigeon the size of a horse. He will get down on his knees and beg Dr Faberge for help.

“Please, Dr Faberge, you are our last hope; I am the assistant of detective-philosopher-horse Samantha Manthamanths. She has lost her left hooves and…---” At this point, he will be interrupted by a superbly endowed and oiled god (the meaning which connotes sexual prowess) who whispers “Your time is almost up.”

With pleading in his eyes, the pigeon will leave a dossier on Dr Faberze’s lap before being escorted from Dr Faberge’s bedroom and, presumably, disappearing to whence he came.

Inside the dossier, the following events, and more, are detailed, here. Only the most important events are explained to provide a “story.”

On the 12th May 1458 detective-philosopher-horse (Ms. Samantha Manthamanths) awakes to find her left hooves missing, replaced by duplicates of her right hooves. Being philosophically inclined in the way she is, Ms. Manthamanths decides to continue life as usual- carrying out her duties at the police station and continuing to philosophise, her philosophical-disciple-carrier-pigeon Mr. Ernie Nienis continues to write down her philosophical outpourings (something she refuses to do). By the 14th May 1458, she has discovered leading her normal life to be impracticable. She reports her left hooves missing to the police department (in which she works) and is allowed to work the case.

With no leads, Ms. Manthamanths leaves the station and approaches the first animal she sees (a penguin, their identity remains unknown) and requests information on the whereabouts of her left hooves. The penguin does not know anything. At this point Ms. Manthamanths returns to her squad car and retrieves her police standard issue AK-47 and really goes to work on the penguin; it was horrible, the penguin was an unrecognisable bloody mush by the end of it. There were several more incidents like this.

Ms. Manthamanths philosophical output at this point becomes increasingly original. Academic followers of her blog begin emailing to ask “what she’s on” and where they can get some- they are “getting tired of writing about other people’s ideas.”

Here’s a quote from Blog Entry #1956 (17th May 1458): “The search-and-destroy missions allow me to gain deeper insight into what it means. We are all so big, we are all the size of a horse. It is from this premise (alone) I deduce that the animal must become small, we must lose this antiquated conception of size and through this (alone) we will discover what it means to be NORMAL sized animal(s). The search-and-destroy is effective only in reference to the individual, but perhaps on a grander scale it will present a yield of a higher grade?” Mr. Ernie Nienis was becoming increasingly concerned by Ms. Manthamanths behaviour and philosophical output, in some ways this fear prompted him to retain close to her.

Although police were allowed to use their standard issue AK-47 as and when they deemed it appropriate (for example, firing it into the air to celebrate victory over the forces of evil) Mr. Nienis couldn’t help but feel: “If this keeps up there will be very few animals left on this planet. It is tradition, but we should we really stand by and let her blow the head off of every potential thief? I am beginning to suspect Samantha took her left hooves herself, she always complained that they slowed her down and would say ‘If only I had four right hooves, I would surely be twice as efficient?’ and I would laugh- I assumed it was all in jest. Perhaps she’s angry because she’s wrong, and she’s simply taking this anger out on others.”

Some months later (June 1458) it is reported that half the population has been obliterated by Ms. Manthamanths’ hooves/AK-47. Mr. Nienis is becoming desperate and, being closest to Ms. Manthamanths is receiving text messages from secret government agencies, with advice on how to stop her. The Psychological Help Agency (PHA) suggested Mr. Nienis be asked if she felt okay (“say R U OK?”), or if she’d considered her actions as bad (“say wat do U thnk abt wat Uve dne?”)- Mr Nienis had already given this a go, to no avail. The Blacksmith and Whitesmith Agency (BWA) suggested hitting her with a hammer (the whitesmiths suggested he do it in reverse)- Mr. Nienis couldn’t stomach this.

Blog Entry #2976 suggested there was little chance of Samantha’s slaughter coming to a close: “Left hooves are beyond reach of those who all right: the paradox of the all life lies betwixt these few hills- as a tussock upon a mound is so much in the wind that it can not hide... Almost (I must be smaller) I must slip between the cracks, we must become so small- it is preternatural to be big. There are certain texts which catalogue the forms of animal(s) and we are in the wrong. In this age we seek only for truth, but this can not be found if we are in the realm of the wrong- just as the Right can not grasp upon the Left. Search-and-destroy will continue as per: see you all on Thursday night. ;)” It is unclear whether Ms. Manthamanths suggested Mr. Nienis add the winking emoticon, or whether she herself winked and Mr. Nienis thought it essential to the meaning of her work. Indeed, Nienis’ diary suggests Ms. Manthamanths philosophising was becoming evermore intertwined with her besticidal behaviour.

Mr. Nienis’ diary also suggests that he has discovered the solution to the problem facing Big Animal Planet. “They have told me of The Men, led by the Dancer that listens to the melodies of our lives (our deeds and thoughts). If I can contact them through–” and here pages and pages of Nienis’ diary are censored by thick black lines, except for one passage: “Tonight I had pilau for dinner, it’s one of my favourite meals. Pilau makes me think of – [text censored].” It is unclear whether this censorship occurred before or after Mr. Nienis made contact with “The Men.” Dr Faberge assumed “the Men” to be the very charming gentlemen that filled his bedroom (hence it is assumed Nienis made contact with the men).

After tonight Dr. Fabio Faberge felt very confused as to how he could help resolve the case at all; there is only a single direction of communication. Nonetheless, he published his findings. After tomorrow night Dr. Faberge lost all academic credibility; his peers having criticised his choice to “write whatever comes into his waking mind after a night of exceedingly rambunctious debauchery.” After his death (in 50 years time) future jazz fabricists realised the true meaning of Faberge’s work and its importance in their field.

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