Sunderland, MA -- At the annual Novelty Games this year, all eyes were on a giant bowl 100 stories tall, equally wide, and made from a glistening silver material that focussed sunlight into a central point.
Thousands of contestants perched upon the outer rim, gazing down the steep curve before them. They were nervous but excited, awaiting their chance at entry to a higher realm.
For these people, the day would bring one of two possible outcomes: to become Godly or to be devoured by the Gods.
So, when a trombone-wielding silhouette appeared at the center of the bowl, adrenaline levels ran high.
“On your mark!”
The signal came when the silhouetted man honked his trombone with all the air in his lungs, conjuring a menacing echo within the bowl. People dove down the sides of the bowl head first, accelerating to high speeds. Some paddled with their hands to go faster. They collided brutally in the center of the bowl.
Most contestants died on impact and were considered “safe losers”. Survivors were “painful losers.” Mangled like birds in a blender, they were stuck unpleasantly in this realm, left frying on on a burning hot pan.
But the winners, the people at the forefront of the collision, were teleported instantly into a higher dimension. They vanished!
Onlookers cheered, “To the sky! To the sky! Some will die on the way to the unprobable sky!”
The bowl resonated an infinitely-harmonic song that brought divine feelings to all.
When it was over, a crane lowered its claw to stir the contents of the bowl, mixing in water from fire engines and letting the sun bring it to a boil. It would be a stew for the gods which, despite its rancid smell, would be left sitting for the following year as an offering.
We asked one veteran of these events some questions.
Q: “So, why do you do all this”? A: “For the novelty of it, for the improbable promise of it all, the great fight against entropy!”
Q: “That’s great. Sounds like a noble cause. I’m curious, what does the soup taste like?” A: “I don’t know. You can’t comprehend the taste from within our realm. Only beings of at least dimension 5 can perceive the full range of its flavors.”
Q: “Right, I think I’ve heard that before. Now, we don’t have much time, I’m getting sick from the smell. One more question. What happened to the people who disappeared at the end of the collision?”
A: They transcended our realm!”
“Lovely, thank you for your time”
Another successful year at the Novelty Games.
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