Geese Departure Pushed Back Again
Deliberations continue
CAMPUS POND- The geese community is in disarray as the Amherst branch of the Western Massachusetts Canadian Geese Migratory Convention postpones the Migratory Date Announcement yet again amid fierce debates.
The Convention has formed a crisis committee to fast-track negotiations on the date of departure for warmer climates. Today marks three months of standstill in a heated bipartisan debate on migration.
The Announcement was promised December 10, making this the longest postponement of the Migratory Date Announcement since 1989, when political upsets in the Convention left the geese community in frozen, ingoosane conditions all winter.
Although the Convention has promised an announcement by Tuesday, February 12, the average goose remains highly skeptical that a decision will be made. In the meantime the community remains huddled and overcrowded in the Southwestern corner of the pond, the only ice-free zone available.
“We’ve really been pushed to our limits this winter,” laments a mother goose of five. “I mean, I’ve made it well into December before, but I have never experienced February in Amherst. We have run out food and have had to rely on scraps of Bluewall from UMass students’ leftover lunch. All I ask of the human community, please stop putting breaded chicken on everything! My youngest has a gluten intolerance.”
The Convention is divided into two unwavering camps. The Insatious party insists that winter is upon us and urges the community to migrate immediately, at the very least to South Carolina. The Devotee party is not convinced, insisting that it is in fact spring. Both parties have ample evidence making any decision seem unlikely.
“Listen to the common geese,” argues one goose activist. He’s been protesting just about everything since coming across a forgotten Foucault textbook in the grass next to the pond. “They’re compromising the safety of the community to win a pecking battle over scraps of power. I mean, who gives a damn about the Amherst Branch, anyway, I just want to winter in northern Mexico. I haven’t had a proper taco in almost a year!”
The human professor of history at UMass, Professor Ferraro, who has become something of a diplomat between the human and geese populations in Amherst, spoke with the Times.
“I’ve been out here all week handing out flyers,” says Ferraro, “no one understands the gravity of this situation. It’s out of hand. When we give the power to a select few and erase the voices of the masses we are committing a crime against goosanity.”
Ferraro has been advocating for a general election to settle the matter, but members of both parties have defamed his reputation through a series of smear campaigns in January.
We await more updates, but this latest chapter seems only to solidify the new era of power politics erupting in the Convention.
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