Genetics For Hire
This is a strange tale that lies at the crossroads of individual freedom and genetic manipulation. A conversation between a quack Doc and an eccentric CEO who goes by King Honcho. I knew I had to contact the King when I saw one of his advertisements at my local dentist office.
CASH FOR GENES
Call for a consultation, test, and quote today!
212-9854
After months of contacting various secretaries and offices trying to actually narrow down where the King was, I was told he was ready to meet me and was given a location.
Three days later we met for an afternoon tea at his favorite baristas shop. He showed up an hour and twenty three minutes late. He came strolling in with a vivid purple suit, a freshly shaven head, and beard that resembled a horse’s mane. He apologized for being late and after some small talk he said,
“Alright enough chit chat. I know you, you know me. Let’s talk and let others know us. What do you want to know?”
“Why are you offering cash for genes?”
“Why? My boy! You must know the infinite amount of potential that lies in the genome. Don’t you?”
“Tell me, King.”
“We do it all! From stem cell injections to senolytic senescence suave! Just rub on and you will literally stop aging. However, we mainly sell data, not products.”
“How did it all start?”
“My company, Chromosome ReConfiguration Incorporated, was started 20 years ago after the first RNAi sequencers started being produced. My board and I saw the potential there to help the world. As gene knockout progressed, it was apparent we could identify and disengage harmful or unwanted genetics. Soon it became obvious that not only turning off alleles was possible but turning on unexpressed genes was too. This all changed when CRISPR-cas9 was introduced to the scene because then we could insert active alleles from one species to a completely different species! Soon we became the forefront of everything genetically altered. From GMO crops to designer babies. In fact, you know Miss Mahalia Beautio the supermodel? My personal design.”
“What’s the point of cash for genes?”
“Even though everyone is expressing 99.99999999% of the same alleles, the gold lies in the variability of individuals 0.00000001% of differing alleles. Genes that people didn’t even know were active inside them, part of them. Unknowingly, everyone may possess the potential of healing the illnesses of millions of humans. The point for cash for genes is to find those gem genes in individuals.”
“How is all of this even possible?”
“Legally or scientifically?”
“Scientifically first.”
“We put the genes through a series of genomic analyzers to identify any desirable potentials. After that we isolate, replicate, and cross compare with other desirables. Then we analyze the data and make genotypic selections before growing them out in vitro with tissue culture or clonal propagation.”
“Now legally.”
“We pay the government what they ask. Doesn’t hurt to make a politician feel twenty years younger either.”
“What do you have to say about allegations that your company sells genetic information to various groups that may have malicious intent? For example, scandals that range from selling terminator genes to lace heroin in Russia to even the idea that CRC Inc. sold the Chinese data to create super soldier clones? It is also practically irrefutable that your company is involved in genetic warfare with the United States government and the Middle East. These are not small accusations.”
King Honcho sat back in his chair and stroked his beard a few moments before leaning forward and responding with,
“Listen, we provide data. Sure our data’s been used to create massive, fat pigs for a county fair or even to bring back a dead kid as a clone but that’s all harmless and legal. But listen, Doc, I have to run. I need some stem injections for my shoulder and have an appointment this afternoon. Great to meet you. Hey, and you look good. How old are you? Forty-two? Good genes. Give me a call sometime,” then he handed me a card that said,
CASH FOR GENES
Call for a consultation, test, and quote today!
212-9854
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