Group of Mistreated Plants Attack Herb Gardens, Flower Beds
Chaos erupted Monday morning as multiple buildings related to the Stockbridge School of Agriculture were discovered to be overgrown with all types of weeds, often to the point that the buildings could not be entered. Attempts to prune back the plants resulted in the emission of noxious gases.
A dandelion growing outside of French Hall identified itself as “Big Ontario” and demanded an interview with a local paper, saying the following. “On behalf of dandelions everywhere, we will not remain silent. Why must we degrade ourselves by letting our human masters tell us we are not wanted? No longer. We are the masters of our own fate now,” it said, pulling out a pair of garden shears and cutting the head off of a hydrangea.
It continued as a crowd of dandelions began moving towards the Franklin Permaculture Garden. “We give shelter to the insects that feed the soil. We capture the filth that humanity has put into the air. And yet we are constantly deemed unsightly and pulled? We are weeds no longer. It is time for this gang of ‘weeds’, to rise up.” The dandelion was later seen comforting a crying patch of crabgrass and giving it some inspiring words.
Local gardening enthusiasts reacted very strongly to this development. “Now, I’m keeping my perennial bed, but I’m also going to plant some weeds in a different section of my garden, just to be safe,” said Agnes Bartleby, Amherst resident. “Are we still calling them weeds?”
This is the Purple Hermit, signing off.
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