Harsh Sanctions, No Charges To Follow Recent Miniature Automobile Collision

Northampton, MA. A Local source confirmed today that no charges will be pressed in the aftermath of a March 29 car crash. The crash occurred at 8:35pm that day, according to witnesses, who reported seeing the two cars traveling towards each other only seconds before their collision in a Northampton apartment.

The apartment currently belongs to Jessica Milton, 38. Obvious, albeit minuscule, damage to both cars’ front ends confirms that the crash was head-on. Investigators and first responders became suspicious of malicious intent upon discovering that “neither car had any passengers or drivers.” Forrest Milton, a young Northampton resident who currently lives with Jessica Milton, was later identified as a primary suspect, after investigators at the scene discovered him clutching the mangled, miniature cars in his pudgy little hands. A breathalyzer test showed that the suspect was not intoxicated.

Forrest, who will be six-and-a-half this May, burst into tears when arraigned by his mother, which only heightened suspicion. When an exceedingly polite reporter requested comment, Forrest yelled very loudly and threw a Lego brick at him. Sources confirm that the reporter took this gesture as a ‘no.’ Forrest’s tears have elicited sympathy from the community, and no one has come forward to press charges against him. However, his mother did sternly admonish him after the incident, and has confiscated all of his model cars until Christmas.

For more articles by Mad Christopher van Eyck, Sr, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email mad.chris@surrealtimes.net.


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