How "Toxic" By Britney Spears Saved Humankind From Destruction
True Story. I actually died once… sort of.
In the early 2010s, your boy Flip worked as a stooge for music journalism juggernaut Pitchfork. Those days I sported a workplace-mandated man bun, survived off a diet of soy vanilla lattes, and prayed to James Murphy every night before bed. I don’t have many fond memories of the culturally oppressive, cult-like environment of Pitchfork’s offices. It reminded me of my time as a brainwashed Jesus-hound in Children of God back in 1972 (Come to think of it, I never gave Ted Patrick a thank-you card).
Anyway, I was in Portland covering the farewell performance of Gordon Is Alive, the last of the great art-punk, glam-crunk groups of the late nauties. My report was due in 2 hours and I found myself frantically scribbling on the back of a CVS receipt, amidst a massive “wall of love” of moshing “Gordon-heads”. One gangly-armed “Gordon-head” tackled me to the ground, allowing several other hopped-up “Gordon-heads” to do the “Psycho Hokey-Pokey” over my frail, broken body.
I woke up in heaven and was immediately greeted by God Themself, who looks like a cross between Prince and David Bowie. This would mark the second time I encountered God Themself. The first time was during an enamel-huffing session with Carole King and Dick Clark back in ‘69. “HELLO, FLIP GILLIGAN.” God Themself’s voice was both a dominantly masculine one and a stern feminine one. “DON’T WORRY. YOU ARE NOT DEAD. IT IS NOT YOUR TIME YET.”
“Can I go back, then? I have a deadline.”
“I AM GOING TO DESTROY THE WORLD.” they said.
“So?” I asked.
“HUMANKIND WAS A MISTAKE. ALL THEY DO IS DESTROY. I HAVE SUMMONED YOU, HUMANKIND’S LEADING CULTURAL EXPERT, TO SHOW ME THAT HUMANKIND IS CAPABLE OF CREATING BEAUTY. SHOW ME THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING HUMANS HAVE CREATED.”
There were several examples of great pieces of human art I could have used, from the immaculately crafted Minecraft Soundtrack to Playboi Carti’s magnum opus Die Lit. However, there was one piece of music that was fresh in my mind, and I knew it would do the trick.
“Have you ever heard ‘Toxic’ by Britney Spears?” I enquired.
“HMMM….” thought God Themself, “NOT FOR A FEW YEARS, NO.”
I proceeded to explain to God Themself the history of so-called “poptimism”. In the early 2000s, mainstream music became radical, re-evaluated by critics and rock writers. Overtime, it evolved from being perceived as artless pop garbage to music that warranted merit. Also, pop music itself just became better in the early 2000s, with much stronger production, songwriting and lyrical themes. Producers like Timbaland and The Neptunes were noted for their more experimental approach to song-making. Artists like Justin Timberlake could express deep, emotional sentiments through rump-shaking jams.
The peak of this movement in pop music was “Toxic”. A good chunk of this song’s success can be attributed to songwriter Cathy Dennis, whose contribution to Kylie Minogue’s irresistibly earwormy “Can’t Get You Out of My Head” kickstarted the whole “poptimism” movement. Dennis clearly has a knack for hook-writing and her subtle vocals on the chorus outshines even Britney herself.
The song’s chopped & screwed Bollywood-style beat was created by Bloodshy & Avant, a Swedish duo that didn’t get nearly enough work in the 2000’s. The duo’s obvious inspiration was Timbaland and this similarity may have caused fans to assume the track was a Timbaland joint. However, Bloodshy & Avant add their own unique flourishes, including a Spanish guitar, some dramatic strings and a faint alien-sounding synth loop on the bridge.
Oddly enough, the least interesting aspect of “Toxic” is the main artist herself, Britney Spears. Aside from her provocative public image, Britney as a performer was really not that interesting. She lacked the personality of Madonna or the vocal range of Mariah Carey. She was the kind of singer you could put on any song, and it wouldn’t make or break the track. I suppose that’s why her performance on “Toxic” works. It’s less about the performer and more about the song itself. One can actually listen and appreciate the track for its composition and structure.
Above all else, “Toxic” is just a total banger. If you don’t like the song, you don’t know how to have fun.
“Honestly,” I said to God Themself, “You just gotta listen to it.” I pulled out my Zune (which I apparently brought with me in the afterlife), and watched as God Themself nodded along to the song, progressively getting more into the groove.
When it was over, God Themself spoke. “OKAY. HUMANKIND IS SAFE, FOR NOW... YOU MAY RETURN TO YOUR BODY.”
Two seconds later, I woke up on the floor at a now empty venue; the janitor was nudging my body with a giant pushbroom.
My next encounter with God Themself was not until 2019. Once again, they wanted to destroy the world and, once again, they needed me to prove them wrong. “Well,” I asked them, “have you heard the new Peppa Pig album?”
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