Intelligent Life Destroying Itself
Edition #1,103,503. Geneva, Switzerland, Earth, Alpha Quadrant Epsilon Omicron Kappa IV 66.26B.
The story of Earth can be condensed into a few simple words: Disagreement, mismanagement, and death. The betting pool for Earth’s demise has been a hot topic in our gambling dens and casinos as of late, and to some, the payout has been huge. It has finally happened. The humans of Earth looked too far into far too dark corners of science and now they are simply no more. And for us it makes a riveting tale of the ‘best and brightest’ sending their unwashed masses into a predicament of a dreadful demise. Earth’s people had split themselves up into administrative regions known as ‘countries.’ Many gamblers placed unbelievably high stakes in the idea of general disagreement between these administrative regions of which they believed would lead to apocalyptic nuclear war; the premise is not out of the ordinary, and has historically been a safe bet for high rollers, who cite famous cases such as Terrestria, Glabnook and Fitzgerald IV, among the countless other less notable.
The story for us is decidedly more rare than warring government factions engaging in apocalyptic nuclear war. Despite Earth’s unending historical conflicts, their demise came from a joint treaty among many nations dedicated to nuclear research. Hold in your sneers and jeers, nuclear energy was amongst the highest echelon of technology available considering Earth’s natural resources. Earth scores a measly 24,000 out of 17,130,199,100,00.9192.4 on the Planetary Resource Test, landing it in the bottom rung of the Von Moltke Scale, designating itself as a ‘Type I’ civilization according to the Earthlings own Kardashev scale.
"Earth met its demise thanks to an administrative region known on Earth as Switzerland.’ Switzerland was an administrative region famous for abstaining from all conflict for the majority of their existence. This renown allowed them to house the headquarters of a faction known as CERN. CERN was designated as the “Earthlings” top nuclear research center, and their best and brightest in this facility were attempting to free themselves of the Great Filter using wormhole travel. Over the course of 60 duo hexes, a team of over 10,000 scientists created the ‘Large Hadron Collider’ in the basement of CERN for the express purpose of creating wormholes, though their leaders reassured them that it was merely for research purposes and that wormholes would not be created. This was, of course, a lie. And as we all know, wormholes are good for nothing except flinging undesirables into random hellish predicaments with zero chance of survival.
Earth’s demise finally occurred in Earthtime on April 26, 2099, 17:56:01. According to casino officials, 3 lucky individuals predicted the demise to the ‘hour,’ netting immense profits. At this time, Earthling scientists were attempting to send a tiny camera drone through a wormhole measuring no more than 5mm in diameter. However, due to long hours at the facility, an intern named A. Sagadiev PhD, who was in charge of monitoring flux radiation levels, accidentally raised the thermal temperature four nano fifths of a degree too high. This mistake caused the predicted 5mm diameter wormhole to grow to five and a quarter miles in diameter, which immediately sucked the Earth and many neighboring planets into the wormhole.
What followed for the Earthlings was an extremely unpleasant demise. As we all know, wormhole outcomes are extremely unpredictable, and when Earth came out on the other side, all 20 billion Earthlings had been turned gruesomely inside out. Their soft fleshy organs hung from an opposite epidermis, and their blood had become coagulated and encrusted and hard. The almost jelly-like substance flashed, turned blue-black, and spewed and splattered all over walls, inching and oozing downwards with the sound of a moist slurp. Bones cracked and flew like bits of shrapnel, impaling themselves into burning buildings and burning children. Puddles of flesh cried out in agony, as the atmosphere, made up mainly of self-replicating medical nanobots, and extremely acidic gas prolonged their suffering tenfold, with many of them surviving days to weeks in the most excruciating pain imaginable.
Anyone familiar with Mogyar Enterprises knows the rules. Any and all predicted outcomes for an intelligent life’s demise on your predictacard payout in multiples of 32x, 64x, 128x… and so on. As is customary in this newsletter we would like to congratulate the gambler with the most predicted outcomes, but this time the player wished to remain anonymous, with a staggering 12,591 out of 19,588 correct predictions on their card, an unbelievable 64%.
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