Ipsum Communications Satellite Aims Radar at 4th Moon of Jupiter

This is the Purple Hermit, with an exciting new development in corporate history. Ipsum Pharmaceuticals has begun seeking out investors for what spokespeople claim is an innovative new project. Darrin Cho, Ipsum CEO, made an appearance in the campus center speaking about the project on Thursday.

“It is my pleasure to announce our latest project, the [ I S H M A E L ] Initiative, which seeks to bring massive amounts of beneficial ‘radio’ waves and good fortune to anyone or anything living on the surface of Io using several Ipsum ‘satellites’ already in orbit,” said Cho. Moments later, Cho issued a retraction of his previous statement, claiming that he had misspoke and no such satellites existed at the moment.

This reporter was fortunate enough to have the opportunity ask Cho a hard-hitting question during the Q&A portion of the panel.

“Where does the name of the project originate from? Is it a literary reference?”

Cho’s face turned a bright shade of red as he answered “No.” After pausing to consult his handlers backstage, he announced that the project had been renamed to the [ M O N T E C R I S T O ] Initiative.

REVISION: On December 6 at 3:12 AM, a simultaneous massive blackout was reported in rural areas and several major cities in the USA, China, and Russia. Seconds beforehand, Cho’s official Twitter handle had sent out a tweet explaining the blackout as an unfortunate result of the [ M O N T E C R I S T O ] Initiative’s activation. “The [ M O N T E C R I S T O ] Initiative has been a resounding success thanks to your efforts. Astronomers and astrologists employed by Ipsum Pharmaceuticals have confirmed that Io has taken a direct hit from our health-enhancing radio waves, and no longer ‘exists’. In its previous form. It still exists, but in a healthier form.”

Microeconomics majors across the UMass campus reported a sharp chest pain and an overwhelming feeling of hunger at roughly this instant as well. According to firsthand accounts, the sensation was strong enough to wake those who fell asleep minutes ago studying for exams. Many of these students who had access to a writing tool wrote the phrase “pareto optimum” multiple times on the nearest surface. Notably, only students who knew the meaning of the phrase and its application in microeconomics were affected. Others reported an intense feeling of inferiority following a dream involving a buff, naked being with glowing green skin scolding them.

This reporter cannot say for sure, but he is expecting a long, overdrawn story arc involving the power of friendship and becoming stronger. This is the Purple Hermit, signing off.

For more articles by The Purple Hermit, click here. To establish contact, email purplehermit@surrealtimes.net.

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