Line Life: Health and Wellness using Lines
Do you feel ignored by the Gods? Generally unwell or miss-aligned?
You can call me Theodore, and I can help.
I hold a master's degree in Intonational Betterment from the University of Dortmund and have 8 years experience as a wellness coach. I also spent 2 years meditating within an inescapable stone cube around which the world rotates. My goal is to give humans access to higher realms. I run the Novelty Society, a non-profit aiming to make the world sufficiently interesting in order to attract the attention of the divine. Over the course of my education and career, I have demonstrated my passion for humanity's grand manifest destiny to transcend this dimension, and I have learned many things.
Most importantly, I've learned that lines, defined by Merriam-Webster as “long, narrow marks or bands”, are extraordinarily novel and healthy for us.
"Lines", in this sense, can be seen and felt everywhere. Take, for example, lane markings painted on the street, subtle cracks in the dirt, the border of a shadow, or the path of a scurrying chipmunk.
When all else fails, lines give direction. They provide pathways that we can build upon in this otherwise arbitrary landscape of existence. Following the lines is proof to the Gods that we believe in them and are worth tending to.
Today, I am announcing a new line-based health and wellness program: Line Life.
My trainees and I gather once a week in remote locations to speed-run across improvised paths defined by subtle marks on the ground and other subtle directional hints that exist in the world naturally. An experienced line muse leads the way, energetically following whatever obscure things give them direction, moving fast and finding a flow. Everyone else follows them quickly, copying their movements and sounds. Things do get sweaty sometimes! So dress light.
Eventually, we break off into individual line running time for some solo exploration.
In the process, people exercise their minds, bodies, and improve their own and the world's reputation in the minds of the Gods. Our motto is:
Train your body.
Train your mind.
Follow the line. (transcend time)
Follow the line.
The FDA estimates that 30 minutes of Line Training per day prevents 90% of existential crises in average-sized adults. Group line training is led by Armädeius Galouei and his protege Dernberger Spengleton, certified line trainers, upon request.
Even if you do not attend my Line Life sessions, there's no need to wallow around in empty space with nothing to grab on to. You can do Line Training on your own or with friends. Just follow the nearest line on foot or on bicycle. Hopscotch around it. Build patterns upon the line. Hop between different lines, always staying moving; be playful, get sweaty, confuse yourself, but always stay on a track.
For extra help for DIYers:
Of the physical lines in the world, some are as straight as the shortest path between two points; others are as curvy as a planet’s arc; others are completely squiggly, much like my thoughts after two days without following a good line. All of these line types can be useful, and they are most healthy when consumed in variety.
Of the less tangible line types, there are story lines, lines of ancestry, lines of trajectory, shipping lines, and so on. These also play roles in abstract line training. Following these is good.
All these line types exist, as do additional (not mentioned) types of lines. They are the rails of the jungle gym that is our world. Climb them. Balance upon them. Swing on them. Enjoy yourself. Remain tethered at all times. Feel good. Improve your wellness.
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