MEDDLESECKS, MA – Tyler Randolph, 14, lost a thumb on Monday yester-morning after he fell into his iPhone. Randolph explained the harrowing tale to reporters, raptors and kindergarteners alike outside of his parents’ middle-class home this tomorrow’s yesterday.

Randolph on Monday yester-morning, having one too many mornings already, rolled out of his sleeping-tray and stumbled to the bathroom. He loosened the sand in the corners of his eyes, he scratched himself and pulled his iPhone from out of his pocket.

He scrolled his life past himself while he set himself upon the porcelain. Completely disassociated from himself, he lost feeling in both peach-pale legs. Poking, prodding, probing, Randolph’s thumb pressurized the iPhone screen.

Looking back at Randolph, iPhone Model 2274591 had seen this all before. The abuse, the torment, the desire. Not today. Model 2274591 saw it through the split of a wick.

With eyes fixed on the glass screen, Randolph giggled, huffed, puffed and became silent again. Thumbing his way through cruel gifs of melting milkshakes, Randolph pushed his thumb further into the screen. He had not pushed this deep before.

His thumb, then left hand, then arm breached the crystalline membrane of this reality. Randolph numbly mesmerized was swallowed into the cyber-reality of iPhone Model 2274591.

Randolph, fully ingested into inter-reality, heard a horrid screech from above.

“Randolph it has been done before and it will be again! You can’t slurp your soup and cut your boot!” shouted Model 2274591.

Randolph, a mere pubescent boy, swam bravely through cyberspace. Shuffling through Candy Ninja, a boy of slim proportions, narrowly missed being swiped in half. Model 2274591, was swift but not quick enough and couldn’t get a good piece of him. Swiping again, Model 2274591 snipped Randolph’s left thumb off. Randolph sensed his was fate nearing and ran through to the next interface of cyber-reality.

Sprinting to SETTINGS, he opened Model 2274591’s internal interface. Randolph found the restart button and threw his cyberbeing into the button.

Flashing lights of red and white proceeded the slow collapse of cyber-reality onto him. The slow collapse squeezed him like a bar of soap until he was extruded into a far more familiar reality. He became conscious on his bathroom floor. He sweat and shivered until paramedics arrived.

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Randolph is recovering from his injuries at his family’s home. iPhone Model 2274591 could not be reached for comments. The Inter-Reality Prosecutor’s Office opened an investigation into the matter, according to sources within the agency. The I-RPO’s Office could not be reached for comments.

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