Locals Be Advised: Harrison Honeycrisp
Police authorities from numerous Los Angeles precincts have reported the presence of a one “Harrison Honeycrisp,” According to sources, Honeycrisp appears as a boy dressed in a 19th century sailor’s outfit, complete with a white hat, blue ascot, and the appropriate trimming, who upon discovery will follow alongside its victims on their morning walks.
“He spoke to us in a high-pitched voice, almost like a squirrel being drowned,” said one Pasadena resident Aidan Chandler, who was out and about with his grandmother last Tuesday morning. “He said something along the lines of ‘Oh deary me! Might poor old Harrison Honeycrisp accompany you on your morning stroll?” While Chandler, being in tears, refused to commit to a descent impression of Honeycrisp, his account of the event lined up with many others. After the entity introduces itself, it starts munching loudly on a Honeycrisp apple while walking in an uncomfortably intimate proximity to the morning walker, bombarding the victim with fusillade of apple debris, spittle, and tedious and unfounded complaints like “my own dear Mum refuses to ‘take me to the picture show for but a dimes’all, only a dime.” Let it be known while this may be an annoying and unwanted presence for any L.A. resident taking their amazing dog out for a walk or pushing their stupid baby in its stupid little baby carriage, Honeycrisp provides no direct threat to the either the health or safety of those found at its mercy. However, there must be no acknowledgment during this period of its petulant munching of the apples themselves, Honeycrisp’s inappropriate consumption of said apples, nor the unseemly and mind-boggling amount of apples the entity will procure from his otherwise unassuming right pocket, which reports indicate to be 250 to 500 apples at any given confrontation, eaten one after the other in intervals of two to three minutes per apple. Failure to control one’s want to verbalize their resentment at the entity’s disturbing eating habits and their intersection with an odd sense of sociability will result in the immediate nonexistence of the apple acknowledger. Even the attempt to politely request for it to please keep his distance if he’s going to eat that way, (a remark Chandler paraphrases his ‘grandmother’ to have made) will result in the immediate nonexistence of the apple acknowledger. This means not only will said person cease to be real, but will cease to have ever been real in any certain sense. Checking in two days after his first account, the Surreal Times found a more blithe Aidan Chandler, seeming blissfully unaware of the nature of our inquiries. “Grandmother?” said the young man, standing amused on his porch, “Well, I’m sure I had a grandmother. Everyone has a grandmother. I suppose I’ve just never met mine. What about it?” Further investigation in the Chandler home revealed concerning gaps in their family photos, with the Chandlers huddled in atrocious lime green turtlenecks and poor-taste khakis around the absent space of what may or may not have been a family matriarch. God, what dorks.
POST A COMMENT
See Also
Want to read more news? Click here for a random article.