Minor Scrapes, Tears, In Aftermath of High Rise Collapse

Northampton, MA. Local authorities confirmed today that there were no serious injuries, at least physical ones, in the aftermath of the (unexpected) collapse of an under-construction skyscraper near the town center. In a press conference, Northampton city development bureaucrats sheepishly admitted that the project was “not under city supervision” at the time of construction. They did suggest, however, that because the unfinished skyscraper was being built inside a family apartment, perhaps city regulations were less applicable to the matter. In fact, local law books are vague on this subject, and there doesn’t seem to be a precedent for this sort of event.

Inspection of the wreckage revealed that the skyscraper was in its early stages of construction. Perhaps this is lucky, because the structure was, at least, according to experts, remarkably unstable, comprising large wooden blocks stacked loosely on top of each other, with no bonding agent to provide integrity. Said one expert, “This sort of structure betrays the architect’s severe lack of understanding of things like basic architectural principles, and severe optimism in terms of things like chance. The odds of this thing not falling down were very small, not to mention that it didn’t comply with any safety codes, hell it didn’t even have a door.” The expert went on a bit after that, but that was the basic gist of his statement.

The only casualty, a heretofore obscure and self-styled real estate entrepreneur named Forrest Milton, escaped with a minor scrape on his knee. Milton, the mastermind, architect, and sole member of the construction team, was was working hard on the structure’s top floor just before it fell to pieces on the floor. His mother, Jane, is the only known witness to the event. “The whole thing was so precarious in the first place. The structure had gotten a bit too tall for him to work on it sitting down, so he got up, and accidentally knocked one of the bottom blocks out of position. The whole thing just fell down.” Forrest Milton reportedly burst into tears immediately following the collapse. There is some ambiguity, however, as to whether the tears were out of mourning for his high rise project, which - after being discovered, and with its legality now under scrutiny - may never see the light of day, or instead because of the boo boo one of the blocks gave him.

Milton was in a bad mood, and so could not be reached for comment. Officials have resolved to ensure that these types of events never happen again. Interestingly, no blueprints of the structure were found; experts speculate that Milton “probably was making it up as he went along,” an architectural philosophy which is generally discouraged, or at least left to the true masters. Milton’s mother has also assured the thirsty throng of reporters outside her door that she has confiscated all of Forrest’s blocks, and will not give them back until his seventh birthday, or, she added, until he ‘has otherwise learned his lesson.’ Most of the wreckage has been cleaned from the site, and a number of speculators already have their eyes on the now empty plot of land.

For more articles by Mad Christopher van Eyck, Sr, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email eyck.chris@surrealtimes.net.


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