In the days following November 3rd, a fractured nation has begun to heal. United by a common enemy, citizens across the political spectrum are putting aside their differences in pursuit of a shared goal: the vanquishing of Count Dracula. “After lying dormant for centuries, we’re not sure why he’s chosen to emerge during the election, but what’s clear is that he’s back -- and that he must be stopped,” reported one popular news outlet. “This is a story you’ll want to sink your teeth into,” jested another, the editor of which has been missing for several days now.

Around the country, concerned civilians are calling on law enforcement officials to take action. Hundreds of mass gatherings have taken place, with those in attendance chanting: “Stop the Count! Stop the Count!” The demonstrations are especially prevalent in Pennsylvania; many residents fear that Dracula, a Transylvania native, might target the American correlate. Here in Los Angeles, the streets have been relatively quiet after Governor Gavin Newsom issued a statement reminding citizens that California is the leading producer of garlic in the United States.

Despite widespread panic, however, not everyone is convinced that Dracula exists. Some, like Abraham Alan, president of The Haven for Bat Lovers of the Silent Majority, remain skeptical of the threat. “Look, they said this coronavirus came from a bat. But the virus is a hoax. Now there’s an election, and we’re supposed to believe that vampires are real? This is just more bat propaganda spread by the radical leftovers of the defunct Owl Superiority Organization.” Just to be safe, though, Alan carries a wooden stake with him at all times.

The biggest question surrounding Dracula’s return is: Why? Some experts claim that the Count refuses to let Adam Sandler portray him again on-screen, vowing to slay whomever necessary to prevent the 2021 release of Hotel Transylvania 4. Others cite “2020” and offer no further explanation. Some people, however, care less about the cause of Dracula’s appearance and more about the effect. One local father put it best: “I wish it hadn’t taken an insatiable, undead monster threatening to impale her neck and guzzle all five-and-a-half liters of her blood, but I’m so glad my daughter is talking to me again.”

Ultimately, the mystery behind Dracula’s arrival may never be solved. But as long as it brings Americans together, maybe that’s okay.

Count Dracula did not respond to The Surreal Times’ requests for comment.

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