Pedro Stein, stuffed white-faced capuchin, has become the first stuffed monkey to be sworn in as Secretary-General of the United Nations. Hailing from Connecticut currently and a native of Costa Rica, Secretary-General Stein intends to bring a charm, curiosity, and playfulness to the job the prior human holders of the office have not necessarily possessed. While some have criticized Stein’s sweet, gentle, and innocent manner as being not up to the task of assessing the cold, hard-boiled realities of global politics, Stein’s team has disputed any charges of naivete, providing extensive scientific research indicating the high intelligence of capuchins, as well as the vigilance and aggression adult capuchins are capable of. He has also attracted controversy for his outspoken (for him) support of the macaque monkey takeover of Lopburi, Thailand, which critics have interpreted as anti-human, but which Mr. Stein says he supports only symbolically and not with regard to the human impact.

Environmental matters are first and foremost on Stein’s agenda, as he is committed to the health of the rainforests of the world, where he grew up, and he urges Nutella to find oils other than palm to use, as it destroys orangutan habitats. Mr. Stein’s four closest aides will be Adam Stein, who is his closest human friend, as well as a scarlet macaw parrot, a toucan, and a poison dart frog. Surreal Times Boston-Amherst has scheduled a coffee interview with Secretary-General Stein for November 15th, where Stein says he will be enjoying a cappuccino (getting its name from the Capuchin order of friars, just as capuchin monkeys like the Secretary-General did) and a banana with palm oil-free chocolate hazelnut spread.

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