Preservationism: A Manifesto

The following was found upon the doorstep of the late great Alfred Humbleton. It's source is Leonid Chelmsford. Not much more is known.

Long has my mind been wrought with the idea that amongst all the choices regarding cibus quorundam haereticorum, none stood fair to the objective truth that comes when deciding and adhering to methods of consumption that are thus objectively ethical. These modes propound within them certain ideological roots which drive their mechanism. Hither thus, cancelling an entire ideology with a mere phrase: plants too, are living beings. Alas! Already I hear cries from the balcony! “Chelmsford you silly, silly fool. With any scientific education at all, you would understand the existence of organ systems which are required thus in experiencing both qualms and fears, which plants, unlike animals, do not have.” I hear you, devout rationalist. I hear you. Now allow me to dissect your conclusion metaphysically.

Firstly, it would be foolish to claim otherwise that your notion of a scientific education, is nothing but a far reaching construct built and expanded upon by a series of individuals advancing but one proposed ideology. Tomorrow, a Newtonian or Ramanujanian figure could arise in some corner of the world, and too with their series of scientific instruments, find yet a different, and apparently esoteric, explanation for the emergence of life and its sustaining qualities.

Secondly, playing the devil's advocate in thus the idea science is in fact true, does not render unto the fact that while we may study and relate the experience of other living beings to that of our own, nothing can be guaranteed, and rather these studies relate nothing more than in the image of a rough sketch done by a small unassuming child, as opposed to the actual inner workings of such complicated mechanisms. Be it if you will, a plant studying a human body; what is observed by the plant is not an objective truth. A hypothetical quote from a plant interviewed in regards to its study “The appendages which grant the human movement, look something like our roots, and being located near the bottom of the specimen, I must conclude that the appendages which facilitate movement belonging to the human must be watered for continued survival.” This is of course not the case, human legs do not need to be watered in order for our survival. Which leads me to my final point.

In a devout effort not to kill, Vegetarians and Vegans kill by the billions. I hear you saying it now, “Riddle me then, O, Sire Chelmsford, the objective truth when it comes to your mode, your credentes cibum.” Would it baffle you to know the answer is simpler than it seems? Answer thus: my proposed ideology, an effectual remedy : PRESERVATARIANISM. What is preservatarianism? Simple: it is food so chemically altered that its original state has been lost in translation. McDonald’s Hamburgers, Digiorno Pizza. Anything where the preservatives overtake the original composition of the food. This is objectively the most ethical mode of consumption.

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