Profile: The Student Farm's Newest Caretaker

The Purple Hermit,
Times Staff

Editor’s note: This article was intended to be published two months ago, before Serr-Vo’s recent coming together with Reverend Garland Hobbes. However, that interaction, which resulted in the death of the Reverend, took precedence. We are printing this article now to document Serr-Vo’s development.

The UMass Student Farm couldn’t ask for a more dedicated worker than Serr-Vo, a 7-foot automaton deposited on our campus last month. Since then, it has proven an invaluable resource in weeding and plowing the fields. It quickly rose to head farm supervisor in a record time of just 5 hours on the farm after it managed to increase the native bee population by so much that swatting them is now socially acceptable. “There’s no way Serr-Vo could have bred that many bees in such a short time. It had to have brought some of those from somewhere else,” said former student farm coordinator Eugene Vaughn. “But who are we to complain? Save the planet!”

Each day, Serr-vo works continuously from dawn to dusk, only taking several short breaks to dig itself into the soil for a few minutes, and the reason it does this is currently unknown. While it has accepted course credits for its work, claiming “credits will do fine”, it appears to be confused to the exact type of credits being offered, requesting “Republic Credits” instead.

As we walked through the pollinator garden, it explained that its database was pre-loaded with information on all Terran plant species known and unknown to humanity, calling gardening “infant amusement”. It then rolled over a large hidden root and fell over cursing, requiring this reporter’s assistance to right itself.

Serr-Vo and this reporter walked through a blueberry bush field it had created yesterday with a rotary flamethrower. As it explained the importance of napalm in blueberry production, it pricked itself on a sharp twig, and a drop of a dark-red substance appeared on its hand. It apologized, assured this reporter it was okay, and quickly explained it was a special type of sap growing inside the twigs.

Serr-Vo seems to have a particular fascination with termites, much to the chagrin of maintenance staff. It told this reporter about how it intended to construct a single giant termite mound on the property to “honor the true kings”, and had already stolen every single doorstop in the northeast dorms to shred for termite food. Despite its encyclopedic knowledge of plants, it did not appear to understand basic facts about termites, referencing their “beautiful mating song” and believing them to eventually grow to the size of a small dog. Nonetheless, it appears to genuinely care for the well-being of our local termite population.

Serr-Vo claims its next goals are the complete and utter subjugation of the local ant population, as well as the clear-cutting of the entire state for more termite residences. The student farm seems to be in capable hands, at least for now. This is the Purple Hermit, signing off.

For more articles by The Purple Hermit, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email purple.hermit@surrealtimes.net.

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