If you keep a surreality counter inside your home, chances are it kept you up all last night with its clicking. Indeed, moderate levels of surreality have been reported all over the globe. This poses a particular threat to small animals, such as chinchuanas, birds, and rodents, whose brains are unable to cope with surreality. Humans, of course, are well adapted to surreality, and you may even find it pleasurable. “Keep your animals inside,” says Center for Disease Control spokesman John Ramirez. “If possible, sprinkle salt and marzipan by the doorways and windows.” These countermeasures are, of course, necessary only for the small animals. Stay safe.

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