P.S.A. Regarding Meteor Impacts

Hello. I'm Jonothan Woodruff, a geoscientist out of The University of Massachusetts Amherst. I have a public service announcement today for the people of the area and surrounding areas. Actually, what I will be announcing applies to all areas -- all surface areas, to be technical.

My announcement is regarding the impacts of meteors. Now I don't mean to say that there will be an impact any place near here any time soon. I don't mean to say that there will be a meteor impact in any place, actually, or at any time. Nor would I say otherwise, though. So I don't mean for you to worry, but I don't necessarily mean for you to not worry either. 'Tis probably dandy, I mean. Yes. But we just don't know.

Uhhhg. Let me try again.

I wish only to speak on hypothetical meteor impacts. That is all.

In the case that a meteor were ever to impact your planet of residence, there are a few things that you ought to remember.

Firstly, it is important that all specimens leap from the ground the instant before impact, in order to escape the collision. This is because those who do not leap, will be vibrated into oblivion by energy dissipating across the earth's surface.

Secondly, no matter what precautions you may take, it is absolutely vital that the meteor does not land on top of you.

Thirdly, and least obviously, you must consider the shockwave of the impact. Even from the full distance afar, it will be powerful enough to disintegrate eardrums.

We in my lab advise you to keep a hold of their old mattresses, as opposed to throwing them beside the road or wherever, and to cut them into one foot by one foot squares. It would be wise to keep these in your car or someplace like that, alongside a thick roll of duct tape. This way, in the case of an impending impact, you can form makeshift ear protection on short notice.

Be sure to prepare enough ad-hoc protection for you children and love ones in addition to your self.

Thank you for your time. Be safe out there.

For more articles by Jonothan Woodruff, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email woodruff.jonothan@surrealtimes.net.


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