Sermon #4 - Our Great Final Neglect

The lord enunciated his wishes through my lips, and he did so in perfect clarity. Some of you listened. Yes, some of you listened. And because of your listening, you are commended. But not rewarded! Nay, because rewards do not come of what is merely expected. An individual must rise above and beyond the status of quo, to gain reward. And please do remember: reward is never deserved; it is gifted. So, to the many of you who trekked toward or to the geodesic of totality this past bihex — I salute you, but I do nothing more for your cause. I leave you be.

To those who on the 21st of August neglected my prophecies, I wish to tell you the tale of Lot’s wife. The direction prescribed to her by our lord, like the direction prescribed to us, was so completely obvious. She was to flee the burning destruction of Soddom and Gomorrah. She was to move forward, towards the kingdom of heaven, away from the very symbol of grievous sin. Yet she permitted her gaze to deviate backwards and over her left shoulder. She sought an unnecessary glimpse of Soddom and Gomorrah, thereby admitting her impenitence and solidifying her fate. Condemned she was to an eternity as a pillar of salt.

I foresee you will spend your infinite suffering likewise, because you too have gazed upon a world of grievous sin, when you possessed no need to do so. Accordingly: Your flesh will become of a flavor that brings moisture to the tongues of hellhounds. And you will stand taller than any grass blade or tree branch, always visible in the open. And you will live forever paralyzed, unable to flee from the relentless repugnant creatures of the underworld who eat away at your flesh for all ever.

You cannot be helped, for the second coming has come and gone. Now we are left as a child’s forgotten ball in the sea, destined to be pushed by the currents further and further into the far reaches of lonesome cold. It is over for us.

Did you not understand that we exist as a colony of ants in God’s eyes, and that there exist innumerable other colonies on which God may choose to lay his gaze at any moment? Did you not understand what a miracle it was, on August 21st, when we were unfathomably lucky to have been glazed by his peripherals?

All I wish to convey is that implied by the following. You have been wallowing at shark-infested sea for two thousand years. You have starved enough to develop ulcers in your stomach and sores on your flesh. Your hair grows yellow and putrid. The cut on your knee runs rotten. You are 100 pounds wet. And you have recently developed an un-patchable hole in your hull that tells you all hope is lost, until a hand reaches down from the glistening heavens and opens itself to you. You think to step safely onto this hand of God — but instead, you are kept occupied by the deceiving slithering of sharks and sea urchins. Avoiding a tall swell in the ocean, the hand pulls away, never to return.

It was our responsibility to catch the lord’s eye, through anti-entropy or high-symmetry or by some other means, and to maintain his attention long enough to save ourselves. We have failed, though, and we will suffer because of our failure. The incredible moment of totality will die as a strange memory of bliss and panic in the head of Charlie Tambellini. As time goes on, the crickets will sing over midnight and noon, and we will be left forgotten like the moon is in God’s eyes.

For more articles by Reverend Garland Hobbes, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email


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