When college student Sara Smith first heard that she wouldn’t be able to return to her university after spring break, she was devastated. She had already been forced to cancel her spring break plans to go cave climbing after California declared a state of emergency. The thought of spending six straight months with her nuclear family, including her mother, father, two younger brothers, golden retriever, and her father’s reptile collection, made her stomach churn with dread.

The first two weeks of quarantine were just as miserable as she imagined. Her family argued for eight days until they agreed on how to properly fill the dishwasher. Every morning Sara was woken up by screaming matches on her parents’ conference calls. The constant mutual distrust over toilet paper usage made the house feel as taut with tension as US-Soviet relations during the Cuban missile crisis. Sara wasn’t sure she would survive the next months, regardless of whether she managed to pick up the virus.

When the tension over a single can of black beans had become too much, Sara fled to the attic closest, a rarely used space with an empty suitcase, a single fluorescent light bulb, and a much needed lock on the door. It was there that Sara found a booklet on combining teleportation with time travel stuffed into a crack in the wall, the previous owner’s attempt to cover a shoddy drywall job.

The pamphlet, entitled “A User’s Guide to Teleportation and Time Travel”, was a 1960s era relic distributed by local governments during a brief smallpox outbreak. Though its only merit was suggesting that the two disciplines could be combined, it had not occurred to Sara that she could fuse time travel with teleportation, thus eliminating the need for the time travel equipment she had been forced to leave at school. Suddenly the possibilities were endless.

Slipping into the closest and employing the most simple time travel techniques while focusing on teleportation allowed Sara to explore a wide range of options in time and space. The reader can do this too, provided they find a dark enclosed space to do their teleportation.

Here are some helpful tips:

1. As a courtesy to the time-space environments you plan to visit, make sure to sanitize your body and belongings so as to not bring the virus with you. Consider beginning any teleportation adventure with a stop at a hand sanitizer factory in the mid 2000s. Take a deep breath, jump into the vat of sanitizer, and then rub it into your body until you’re dry again.
2. Another option is teleporting into the future, where you can sell the virus from your body to a biomatter pawn shop. One concern with this approach is the possibility of a lowered value of coronavirus particles in the year 2108 due to market oversaturation. Try to find biomatter pawn shops in a wide range of time units, especially from 2075 through 2275 to prevent the market from being flooded with coronavirus.
3. If your teleportation is for the purpose of finding a quiet place for a conference call, consider bringing a wifi booster with you. Sure, the water in Tahiti is so clear that you can see the fish having sex but that’s just a distraction from the crappy wifi.
4. Develop skills you can use to barter for local potions and tinctures. If you can find a way to lure every member of your family into a peaceful sleep, you can finally use the kitchen to make that loaf of sourdough everyone has been saying you should try. Come up with a creative name for your sourdough starter so that whenever someone in another dimension asks you about your family you have someone to talk about who doesn’t make you want to escape to the next star system.
5. Keep a journal. A thorough journal is a great way to keep track of all the amazing adventures you have! It also ensures a record of all the places you go in case you get infected with blorgian plague or tenericulan pox and need to do contact tracing.

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