THE DEATH OF SURREALITY: PART THREE

Joe: Readers, we come to the conclusion of the long and sordid tale of the Surreality Engine. Of how close we came to planal fusion, of how close we came to a permanent STAIRWAY TO THE STARS, and of how close Moe come to the brink. It is fitting, then, that we begin with the downfall of the Rise Together corporation.

THE RISE TOGETHER CORPORATION FALLS
By Roberto Piccolo, Surreal Times Reporter

In a shocking turn of events, the Rise Together corporation, known for supplying the recent spate of fault-parties as well as the upcoming portable Surreal Engine, has closed its doors. The board of directors unanimously resigned, and the company's assets have been set for auction. The prosecution of a team of Rise Together scientists (led by Dr. Linda Peterson) for homicide surely played a role. However, analysts say that the extrasplosion (neither an explosion nor an implosion) at the San Andreas Fault, and the subsequent ramifications for the field of Surreality research, are the true cause of the company’s demise. The Surreal Times website contains additional information on this topic. Until then, this reporter says, stay safe and stay real.

Joe: The actions of the secret scientists caught up with them. Further research shows that the fine grain found in their New Mexico laboratory conclusively comes from humans who have had their Surreal Field removed. This could occur in the process of Surreal Warping, a method of teleportation. It is now clear that the New Mexico secret scientists were up to far more than planal flusion.

The boards resignation is likely more to reduce their public profile. None of the executives want to be implicated in this affair. Dr. Peterson would later be imprisoned, where rumors would fly of her working on portals in her cell with smuggled electronics.

SURREALITY EXTINGUISHED WORLDWIDE: MYSTERIOUS “SKY-STAIRWAY,” VANISHES
By Roberto Piccolo, Surreal Times Reporter

After the shocking events at the San Andreas fault, recent buyers of handheld surreality counters may regret their purchase. After two days of research, most main surreality researchers are now reporting being unable to detect even a trace of surreality anywhere. It would seem the extrasplosion at the fault sent an anti-surreality shockwave across the world. Simultaneously, the Surreal Times has verified reports of a strange occurrence at the San Andreas Fault, home to the largest and most inspired of the recent Fault parties. Witnesses say - and cameras confirm - a blurry, black, stairway-like shape rising up from the fault itself, into the sky. The “stairway,” hung in the air for about thirty seconds, until all nearby heard the extrasplosion. It then vanished. Subsequent examination revealed burnt atmosphere and discordant particle behavior at repeating 90 degree angles - supporting the testimony. We will document more of this history as it unfolds.

Joe:Yes, we did get this close. The STAIRWAY TO THE STARS did appear, for all of thirty seconds. Moe was there. Moe saw it. The mass use of Surreal Engines created a breach into the Surreal Plane. The Stairway beckoned Normal Plane residents to ascend to the stars. Computer analysis of footage of the stairway reveals a strange abnormality: a three foot hand, invisible to the organic eye, clutched the top stair. The hand was only detectable by measuring the disturbances in the atmosphere around the stairs. The hand vanished, along with the Stairway, when the Servant hurled a homemade Hyper Mundane Engine into the fault.

Unfortunately, the Servant did not create the Hyper Mundane Engine through wholesome means.

OBITUARY: RYAN PATRICK JOHNSON
Surreal Times Staff

Mr. Johnson passed away at age 57 on January 8th. He was described by neighbors as a quiet man who enjoyed stamp collecting as well as collecting and organizing automobile manuals from the 50’s and 60’s. While police are investigating his death, it would appear he responded to an ad looking for an accountant in this very paper. After this, he vanished. However, investigators have DNA evidence that puts him at the scene of the recent extrasplosion at the San Andreas Fault. What Mr. Johnson was doing there is unknown. His body was discovered - mangled- at a hotel relatively close to the fault. Hauntingly, human remains in a gritty, powder form were also found in the hotel. While Mr. Johnson has no living relatives, we wish those grieving for him well, and extend our condolences.

Joe:Poor Mr. Johnson. He was caught up in all this, murdered by the Servant to harness his hyper mundae energy. Even though he was not a fountainhead, his boring lifestyle created this energy. Accordingly, the Servant had only enough surreality to modify the Portable Surreal Engine that he stole from Dr. Linda Peterson. Our story ends when he hurls it into the San Andreas Fault, injuring a dozen bystanders. Among them, our very own Moe.

AFTER THE EXTRASPLOSION: MOE LIVES TO TELL THE TALE
By Joe Kierlskegrienger
January 9, 2018

Highly-regarded Surreal Times investigative reporter Moe “Tiny,” Schlemiel, has survived the extraplosion. He is alive, conscious, and verbal, albeit riddled with the after effects of surreality exposure. While his pineal gland may never fully recover, Moe has shared his notes with me. The stairway to the stars, the sudden vanishing of all surreality, the death of Ryan Johnson, the murkiness surrounding the Rise Together corporation - Moe thinks he has pieced it all together. The identity of the lunatic who hurled an anti-surreality engine (or as some call, a hyper-mundane engine) into the fault, triggering the extrasplosion, may finally be at hand. Join me on the Surreal Times Website as I try to work it all out, both from my own investigation, correspondance with my colleague Roberto Piccolo, and Moes findings.

Joe: It is fitting that this saga ends in Ouroboros. What I learned from Moe and Roberto have been put down in this three part series. We are now all on the same page. We know some things, we don’t know others.

I suppose I should mention some of the developments enabled by these events. It would appear that a strange kind of insect has developed a quasi-surreal sprayer. Those hit by these bugs lapse into a surreal-like state for 24 hours. A tribe of sasquatches, their pineal glands warped by surreality, have seen fit to create a cryptocurrency. A bright young man from Dortmund University affected by a severe mental illness has entered a new era of well being after exposure to the extrasplosion, and the Times wishes him the best.

Things change, and even now, several months after the extrasplosion, surreality creeps in again. It seems that humans are surreal-genic. We create surreality every day. I was mistaken in titling this series. As long as humans walk the Earth, surreality will walk with us.

For more articles by Joe Kierlskegrienger, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email kierlsk.joe@surrealtimes.net.


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