The Great Terrifier Returns to Campus
The Great Terrifier will return to his residency in the tall bird cage in the over region of campus floating idly above the DuBois library. This year he plans on introducing a new mobile app to the UMass campus experience, where students can log on and check out from their usual routine of moving and doing.
“I’m really happy with the product this year, the developers have been working so hard for so long on this app.. It’s really cool to see how all that hard work will go into furthering everyone’s unique experience of the campus.”
When users log on to the app, they instantly get a rush of chaotic, stimulating euphoria that smells like nothing “and tastes like it too,” says the Terrifier himself. And that is the app’s secret. It uses “nothing” technology to confuse the neurons in the hippocampus to create “stimulated memories” that release an amount of dopamine that the thickest rip from a juul could only dream of creating. “It feels like spikes and steel wool in my lower digestive tract and I can feel the stimulation simulation’s effects for as long as I am awake, but I don’t know it’s cool that I can connect with friends and stuff, even if you get all that TV static and high-pitch whistle noise stuff. And I mean hey, it helped me quit my [e-cigarette brand name redacted]!” said one very imaginary test user whose name is not the Great Terrifier, or even the Good Terrifier, for that matter.
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