The Story of Time
A Musical Album released and created by the underground experimental music legend Dr Prince of The Alphabet (recently deceased) and his companion Sir Knackered Clackers (39), has been hailed as “the greatest scientific discovery of all time” by science historian and aeromancer, Richard Pipings of Leitwrith (44).
The album tells the story of a young, gender neutral, extra-universal being who goes by the name of Cryptic Mark. They were accidentally synthesised in a misplaced microwave (misplaced by the son of God[1] and creator of Time, The Universe and Everything, Alonso the Aloof). During the time of its misplacement the microwave was cooking naan bread, the spicy aromas of which attracted time shards (presumably misplaced remnants from the creation of Time) and other extra-universal matter. When gathered in the conditions created by the microwave these materials coalesced, creating the being known as Cryptic Mark (whose name was derived from a three page A1 pamphlet, coated top to bottom in lawyers print, clutched in their arms and titled “Cryptic Mark’s Cryptic Mysteries of Time, The Universe and Everything”).
By pure chance the microwave returned to its rightful owner, Alonso the Aloof, who (though disappointed by the lack of naan bread) was so excited to meet a new extra-universal being he decided to throw a celebratory event. At said event, Cryptic Mark fell in love with the giant blue orb with testicles (and no other genitalia) also known as The Universe[1]. Cryptic Mark and The Universe proceeded to make love; awakening the next morning with the mother of all hangovers. To add insult to injury the couple were attacked by an infinitely long tube, resplendent in multi-coloured time shards (with a beak and eyes): The Bird of Time; upset by the loss of her love (The Universe) to another. From her foul and gaping maw she puked forth a portal of worms; transporting Cryptic Mark and Alonso the Aloof to the ‘Actual World’ (also known as The Universe).
On Earth Alonso the Aloof and Cryptic Mark managed to survive using monies earned through busking on the streets of East Croydon. During this time Cryptic Mark discovered the great power that resides within the coins known as “Two Pence Pieces”, instinctively, he knew to place these “2Ps” (as they are also known) upon his eyes. There burst forth a hissing; a burning; the sudden stench of boiling blood; 2Ps and Cryptic Mark were as one: 2P Eye Mark was created.
Meanwhile, in the stagnating hollows of the West Country there lived a homeless Brick Seed[2] addict known, to himself, as “Captain Peter.” To fund his addiction, Captain Peter (an avid inventor) had created a device that would attract and teleport (if necessary) any loose or lost coinage to his dwelling[3]. The attraction produced by such a device could be felt within the mind of 2P Eye Mark; due to their abnormal mass of his being (relative to most coins) the teleportation feature failed. Nonetheless, 2P Eye Mark and Alonso the Aloof proceeded to make the arduous journey to the West, whither they found, in his gangrenous and fetid grotto, Captain Peter. Throughout the course of the journey 2P Eye Mark became ever more lustful for their lost love, The Universe, and ever more inclined to exact revenge upon The Bird of Time for her act of jealousy. Fortunately for the duo, Captain Peter had created a machine capable of trans-universal perambulation, though never tested because of fears of malfunction. Desperate for home and to exact their revenge, 2P Eye Mark insisted upon its use.
Exploding through the universal barrier at speeds scientists and mortals can never begin to comprehend, the pair returned to the extra-universal realm, where, using the extreme power generated by the 2Ps 2P Eye Mark battled The Bird of Time. Their powers, so equally matched and adeptly harnessed, failed to be lethal. However, the fibres of 2P Eye Mark’s being had been rapidly degenerated by the immense power created by the 2Ps (which utilised the great body of negative emotions within Cryptic Mark’s psyche as fuel). Hence, upon receiving a particularly potent and searing blast of worm-based Time energy 2P Eye Mark imploded, creating a singularity. A howling wind erupted as all negative energies within the extra-universal realm were absorbed into the singularity[4]. Upon completion of such an end the singularity exploded; creating a second universe known as ‘Reality’ (in contrast with the ‘Actual World’). 2P Eye Mark was drawn into this universe, their negative energies purged by such an act, thus they returned to the state of Cryptic Mark[5].
What is baffling about this story is, not only its astounding and blindingly obvious nature, but the revelations it brings about this universe and its relationship to the parallel universe, the ‘Actual World.’ Richard Pipings of Leitwrith commented “It’s ridiculous, scientists have spent so long looking through telescopes and writing numbers down, that we discover the truth through an experimental musician, even if he was one of high calibre.” Quite how Dr Prince of the Alphabet came into possession of such knowledge is currently unknown, due to his deceased way of life no method can be established for scientists to reproduce in their quest to verify Dr Prince of the Alphabet’s claims.
For now, scientists are taking a well deserved break and appealing for any witnesses with information to come forth.
[1] Some scientists hypothesise that this attraction was caused by the time shards present in the fibres of Cryptic Mark’s being. Time, as a substance, is necessarily attracted to universal substance.
[2] “Brick Seed” is the grime found between paving slabs and in dirty street corners, it is highly addictive, though usually only consumed by pigeons and hipster mice.
[3] Some conspiracy theorists hypothesise that this is device is the so-called Magneto-Economic Teleporter, allegedly used by the Great Government to illegally boost tax revenue.
[4] This led to the death of God (who, due to His old age, had decayed to a state of pure hatred) through His assimilation into Reality.
[5]Cryptic Mark is now thought to live somewhere with the Twenty-Seventh Sector of the Great Nation (here in Reality) reporting on stories of the extraordinarily ordinary and people of disinterest.
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