Unions Oppose Corporate Piano Method

Demonstrations popped up all over the county this past labor day, as union workers and others are striking to oppose the latest method corporations are using to squeeze extra labor out of their employees. This method, “the piano method”, involves suspending a full piano precariously by a withering string over each employee's head. The intention is to provide workers with a sense of urgency capable of driving their productivity to the next level.

Benjamin Martin, CEO of Informatics Accelerated, says that “The piano method has increased our employee’s typing rate by 20 words per minute. Multiply that by the number of employees and the number of days utilized, and we can extrapolate that the company in whole has typed 12,480,291 more words this fiscal year than the previous.”

Workers assert that this method is not only unsafe, but inhumane. A number of individuals have been crushed under pianos this year, sometimes as disciplinary action and sometimes by accident. Also, one masked demonstrator suggested that, for the cost of a grand piano, a company could hire an entirely new full time employee.

Another more feisty group of demonstrators worked to hang a piano from a traffic light, planning to drop it on their CEO’s car as it drove by. “It will help him understand our perspective,” they said.

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