Greetings my fellow citizens of the Greater Volcanic Area, the time of year has come again to pay tribute to our fiery lord and master Volcano God. Now I know last year there were some complaints that Volcano’s God request that the most beautiful person on our island be thrown into the volcano were too vague, and led to much infighting and resentment, so this year Volcano God has agreed to get a lot more specific. I implore you to think hard about whether the following description might match you, because if it doesn’t you might just be the lucky special someone Volcano God has been looking for.

First of all, I’m told Volcano God wants someone who’s not afraid of commitment but also isn’t trying to rush into anything. Secondly, it would be preferable if whoever is tossed into the volcano has similar hobbies and interest to Volcano God. Our all-powerful god enjoys bird watching, exploring the outdoors, astrology, oozing lava, and poetry. Honestly though, Volcano God is really just looking for someone to watch a good show and chill out with, you know? But if you’re someone who always falls asleep before the movie is over Volcano God isn’t interested. Volcano God is center-left but doesn't think difference in political views should keep people apart. Oh, and importantly, Volcano God needs someone who always remembers to text good morning and good night, because otherwise do you even care about Volcano God? Last of all, Volcano God strongly believes in Climate Change, and if you don’t this just probably isn’t going to work out.

If you’re reading this and think, “Hey maybe I’m the type of person Volcano God is looking for!”, then I implore you to consider whether or not scaling mountainous cliffs and throwing yourself into the mouth of a volcano sounds like something you’d be into. After all, you never know, you might think you’re falling to your death only to realize you’re falling in love.

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