Nouns and verbs. Predicates and adjectives. Gerunds and participles and tenses and pronouns and conjunctions and conjugations. Who really needs these things?

Set aside the language I am using right now. This column is the final language. This is the language that argues for the end of speech. Sapiens, I really have to ask you: how has your language really worked out for you?

We chimps, I think we’ve got it sorted out. Chimps don’t libel or slander or spew hate speech or fuel witch hunts. We’ve got a few words, and you know what? I think we make the most out of them! Who needs “Hey, watch out! There’s a leopard below you!” when you can just yell “Leopard!”. In all the time you spend flapping your oh-so-developed voicebox, you could be running away! I’m telling you, Noam Chomsky would like a bit more liked Noam Chomped-sky if he stopped to spew spit when there’s a leopard about.

But you’re a modern reader, and you’re quite attached to your language. After all, it’s what separates you from the beasts. I can appreciate that. I’ll put it to you this way: what makes you miserable? Your special someone arguing with you? Your boss screwing you over? Your professor pulling some bull crap on the test? Guess what the common denominator here is. That’s right, you got it - complex speech! Bye bye language, bye bye modern woes.

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