During these troubling times, the worst in people is often revealed. Yet, occasionally, it brings to light their best sides and their propensity for kindness, as was the case for Mrs. Keller’s husband, Mr. Heimlich Ichhabeschmerzen Keller. Mrs. Keller recounts how her husband, Mr. Heimlich, was prone to dismissing her every plea to own a pet, often with callousness. ‘It was a very difficult time for us’, she says, ‘I wanted pets and yet I knew that he was incapable of handling them and showing care. But he’s not that way now.’ Despite the affluent nature of their neighborhood, their history with pets is tumultuous to say the least. The members of the community mention how frequently pets have been found to be doused in glue, rolled up into a ball and set loose from the main road, their sounds reminiscent of the Siren convention of Atlantis (Tickets now on sale at surrealtimes.com). Another member of the community, that prefers to remain anonymous (but bears an uncanny resemblance to Mrs. Miller) describes how one day she saw her pet cat being forced to chase a red laser directly onto the path of a 20-ton truck carrying a nuclear missile. Luckily, she was a schizophrenic and didn’t actually own a cat. And finally, the most horrifying incident of all involved making the elves that inhabit these pets’ bodies (in hope of eventual world domination) take an off day, leaving these pets as nothing but plush suits. Many such events that occurred have been attributed to natural causes (The wind, for instance).
And so comes the case of Mr. Keller: at best, a man who refused to care about pets and at worst, a vile cynic responsible for the downfall of humanity and the death of 21 god-fearing pilots (as per local rumors). So, to prove that this disgusting human had some schmekel of humanity left in him, Mrs. Keller devised an ingenious plan: she would dress up as a vulnerable, stray anteater; his reaction would then reveal him for what he truly is. As planned, Mr. Keller found himself next to the pond he usually drinks water from on his way to work and saw the ‘anteater’. Almost instantly, Mr. Keller rushes towards it, yeeting anything in his path (Even the hidden cameraman that secretly worked for PETA), grabbing it by its tail and then hurries home. Upon reaching his home, he shoves the garage door open with a violent thud and hastily places the anteater on the George ForemanTM grill (non-stick; available in black and burgundy), starting the fires on the ‘Forgive me father for I have sinned’ setting. And as fate would have it, his wife springs out of the disguise and gives him the tightest hug ever for trying to keep the cold anteater warm. Despite suffering major burns and losing the thin layer of organic material on her head that hides her cybernetic skull, Mrs. Keller’s story reminds us how people can in fact change and that there is potential for goodness in all of us. What a truly heart-warming tale.
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