2024 Presidential Candidate Announces Height Equality Campaign

When Jon McDermott announced his aspiration to become president of the United States, people laughed at him. His own family even ridiculed the idea, claiming he would never be taken seriously. “But who’s laughing now, mom,” Jon exclaimed to reporters on Tuesday when it was announced he was leading in preliminary polls.

The story behind Jon’s meteoric rise to political fame is peculiar. Just a few months ago, Jon was a mid-level sales associate at an Office Depot in Oklahoma City. He had no prior political experience, nor had he ever expressed interest in campaigning for public office before. But one fateful April day, while sitting on the couch watching CNN, a power thought occurred to him.

“I saw all this news about the tremendous activism occurring about racial equality and gender equality. What about height equality! I’m tired of taller people looking down upon the rest of us vertically challenged individuals,” he explained to reporters. Jon, who stands 5’6”, claims that the unequal height distribution in America is what is causing such political and social turmoil.

Since then, Jon has worked tirelessly campaigning on his single-issue platform of height equality. Though the media remains skeptical of his widespread appeal, it is hard to argue with the recent polling data. He stands at a firm 8 point lead in front of any other candidate, and his popularity seems to be only growing as he gains nationwide attention.

After much speculation of how Jon plans to achieve his ambitious goal of heigh equality, he finally revealed his two-pronged approach last Saturday. “First, we will require everyone under 5’5” to wear heightened platform shoes at all times in public settings to achieve a standard height of 5’6”. Second, we will be performing corrective height surgery on anyone 5’7” and above to shrink them down to the standard 5’6”.”

Despite his popularity, Jon has commanded widespread criticism for his idea. Most notably, constituents are starting to question the fairness of Jon setting 5’6”, his own height, as the standard height for all Americans. “It just seems selfish to make the rest of us adjust our height while Jon gets to remain at his current stature,” complained Lebron James, NBA superstar.

The legal and physiological aspects of Jon’s height equality crusade have also been subject to scrutiny. “Is this even constitutional?” one reporter asked at Jon’s latest press conference. Instead of answering, Jon just parroted, “Is this even constitution,” in a baby voice while contorting his face in a grotesque manner. “What about kids? Are you going to let them grow to their full height before adjusting to the 5’6” standard?” inquired another reporter. “Press conference over,” Jon snapped in response. He subsequently stormed off the stage.

For more articles by Paul Kruger, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email kruger@surrealtimes.net.


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