A New Stage of The Problem of The Upper Half Of The Man Cut into Two By A Window
In snowcapped Jindabyne, Australia, August of 2018 — A man woke up feverish and sweating through his sheets. His home heating system had gone wild. He grew delirious because of it, and he sought out solace upon his snowy, cool rooftop. But, tragically, as he crawled through his difficult bedroom window, it deliberately closed upon him, cutting him in two. (See the original story).
His severed lower half fell upon his bedroom carpet. This was promptly cleaned up by first responders. His upper half was left outside, inaccessible because of the window’s stern refusal to open. It froze over upon the rooftop and has remained there for the past two months.
After the deed, the lonely window wrote upon itself “It is too dangerous outside for pets. Please, in the future, stay inside with me. The company would be nice.”
That was old news; the following is the new. The uninhabited house burned down last Thursday, leaving behind snowy ashes and a mixed aroma of burning wood and flesh.
Evidence points to the man’s dysfunctional toaster, which appears to have been left on after his severance. Investigators believe it heated an Eggo waffle for two months until it eventually sparked a flame, lit a tablecloth on fire, and proceeded to burn the entire house to the ground.
The window was found in the rubble, covered in ash. Written in the ash was the following: “The man is my man. I will protect him from you, for his sake. And, for me, it is nice to have the company, I admit… But, I am a good window. It is my dream to share another house with the man. Please build a house so I can be its window and the man can be its man, and we can live happily together.”
I wiped the ash with my hand to reveal the pale face of the frozen half corpse hidden beneath, trapped under the window. Firefighters tried moving the window, to retrieve the corpse. It would not budge, though, and asserted over writing that “it is a strong window, strong against burglaries, and well-suited for a high-end home.”
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